Annie,

My daughter and her husband divorced within the last year and a half, and we are currently having a real problem with my eight-year-old grandson. He's been whining a lot and also always has to  be first or always win a game. If he's not first or does not win, he whines. He also spends a lot of time whining when he returns from a weekend with his father. My daughter is at her wit's end, and we would appreciate any insight you may have. Thanks.

~Nan

Dear Nan,

What your question tells me is that your grandson is desperate for the adults in his life to establish some clear rules and boundaries. Right now, the three people he loves most in the world – his mom, his dad, and you – are having a hard time getting on the same page (never easy after a divorce), and this lack of clarity is extremely stressful. (I don’t’ think it’s a coincidence that he is having particular trouble with following the rules of games – including losing graciously.)

As difficult as it may be for your daughter to co-parent with her ex, she needs to try, because your grandson’s whining – and other negative behaviors – are only going to get worse if his parents can’t come together to set clear rules and consequences. I realize how hard that can be, as I’m sure they both feel guilty and want to be his “favorite,” but they have a responsibility to support him by providing structure – which is really what discipline is all about.

One place to start would be to make sure he knows the difference between a whiny voice and the kind of tone you want him to use. Sometimes kids don’t really hear themselves. When he’s not whining, point out how nice he sounds, and ask him if he can hear the difference between a whiny voice and a nice voice. Demonstrate what you mean and then ask him to talk in a whiny voice and a nice voice. Most kids his age enjoy this “game” and get it right away. Then tell him that when he uses a whiny voice, you will not respond – and try very hard to stick to your guns. Tell your daughter to talk to her ex (or to email him) about the new rules regarding whining. And, of course, if there are other behaviors you want to work on, try to strategize solutions for your grandson's sake. If your daughter and ex-son-in-law can agree on certain routines and rules they want him to respect and if they can avoid bad-mouthing or blaming one another for your son’s negative behavior (e.g., deciding that the whining is much worse after a weekend with dad because dad isn’t doing a good job), I’m pretty sure the behavior will lessen.

One last point: Your grandson’s need to win or to be first is totally age-appropriate. I remember playing games with my son, Nick, when he was eight, and he always found ways to “explain” the rules to me so that he came out ahead! I found it worked to simply say, “Hey, Nick. I love playing this card game with you, but let’s say what the rules are and stick to them, or I’m not going to play.” And if you want your grandson to play without whining, make it clear that the game will be over if he makes a fuss about losing. Then put the game away if he starts to whine.

Dear Annie,

Reminding my kids (6 and 8 years old) to help with chores, whether it’s cleaning up their rooms or helping with dinner, is a nightmare.  They whine and "why" me to death. I hear myself saying things I swore I’d never say, like "Because I said so!" But bargaining for every tiny task is driving me crazy.

Sarah

Dear Sarah, 

Before you can change your kids’ behavior, you need to take a good, hard look at your own.  Are you consistent and calm?  Do you phrase requests in an authoritative voice or is there a question mark at the end of every sentence? Do you keep your requests short and sweet or do you tend to engage in long harangues that inspire parent-deafness?  

Let’s start with the first challenge: Consistency.  Many of us (notice that I’m including myself here) miss opportunities to make chores part of the family routine.  If setting the table is one of the kids’ "jobs" every single time you eat together as a family, then it should not be necessary to nag one of them to lend a hand.  You should simply say calmly and firmly, "Time to set the table" and whoever did it last can smirk at his/her sibling while that child hops to.

The same approach should apply to anything you want the kids to do. Give them a 15-minute warning before insisting they start on a chore, since no one, including adults, likes to be interrupted in the middle of a fun activity to go clean their rooms. If their clothes are all over the floor of their room, just state what you want: "Your clothes go in your bureau. Thanks!"  Avoid lectures about how much the clothes cost, how they wind up in the laundry when they leave them on the floor, how there are poor children all over the world who don’t have clothes…Don’t let the kids wear you down.  If they give you 19 reasons why they shouldn’t make their beds and you cave on the 20^th reason, they’ll only learn that 20 is the magic number. That’s a lesson you want to avoid at all costs.

And If a miracle happens and your kids volunteer to do something or attend to a chore without being nagged, be sure to acknowledge their good behavior with a specific statement, like "Thanks for listening the first time I asked. That really helps me out." Or "I really appreciated they way you did that without an argument."

Since you have two children relatively close in age, I’m betting that you are also dealing with what I call "the fairness wars." You likely often hear complaints like "Why do I have to do it? I did it yesterday!" Or "David never has to clear the table!" If that’s the case, you might want to implement some sort of chore chart or system that leaves some of the delegating to chance. For example, have them draw straws to see who gets what chore. Or you can try a rotational system, where each task changes hands each week, and everyone does each chore at one point or another.