Dear Lisa,

It sounds as though you have already pinpointed several possible triggers for your daughter’s meltdowns.  As you have noticed, she often loses it when she’s tired – very typical for kids her age, who may have given up an afternoon nap, but still need some quiet time every day — or even a few minutes of shut-eye.  These days, preschoolers often have very busy lives: fulltime school, extracurricular activities, playdates.  Take a look at her schedule and make sure to build in some down time. 

 

Given the other issue you mention – a tough summer – you might want to make some of that down time “Mommy-and-me” dates.  Even something as simple as going out to breakfast together once a week or taking a walk after dinner or cooking can be a lovely way to connect.  If she manages to make it through your date with no meltdowns, be sure to compliment her for being such a big girl.  You can also use that time to talk about her tantrums.  She’s old enough to begin to identify and to describe what it feels like when she gets worked up.  Give her a pillow to punch or a breathing/relaxation technique to try (counting to 10, for example) when she gets frustrated or upset.  But explain that you’re confident that she can handle her feelings in a different way.  

 

If she seems to be deliberately acting out to get attention, then you’re right to try to avoid rewarding her meltdowns by fussing over her.  Instead, just announce that you’re going to be in the next room, but that you are not going to listen to her screaming.  Most important, continue to do a little detective work to identify what seems to set her off.  Chances are she will outgrow this challenging period, but she will need your help to provide reasonable expectations and consequences – not for feeling frustrated – but for behaviors like hitting or throwing things or screaming.  Like all preschoolers, she needs limits and consistency, so as much as you may be tempted to “give in,” I would urge you to stick to the rules, state the consequences clearly and calmly, and follow through consistently. I know that’s a tall order but it definitely will make her feel safer and less likely to pitch a fit or lose control.