It’s hard to say whom separation anxiety hits harder — you or your child. I experienced my fair share of bad good-byes, especially with my daughter Maddie. On her first day of preschool, for example, she urgently whispered, “No, Mama, don’t go! Don’t leave me!” I still remember that viselike grip on my neck as I presserd her small wet cheek against mine. Those tiny arms obliterated my resolve to keep our parting short, to kiss her good-bye once and then hand her over to her competent, caring teachers. I did exactly what they had advised against: I stayed until snack time every day that week.

This was hardly my first experience with separation anxiety, but it was one of the most painful. Not that it’s ever much fun. There were many mornings when, having pried a sobbing child off my shoulder, I left them with their loving, familiar babysitter, then walked around the block in the pouring rain so I could spy in the window. All was quiet on the home front, confirming what baby-sitters, teachers and grandparents always claim: “The crying stops the minute you’re out the door.” But I still longed to know whether the pain of these separations could leave lasting scars.

Researchers and psychologists who study separation anxiety have managed to shed some light on this and their work suggests ways to ease the anguish of saying good-bye. One key factor appears to be the issue of control or, rather, a child’s lack of it. A two-or three-year-old has very little say in his parents’ comings and goings. So when we announce, “We have to go out for a little while. Grandma will stay with you,” there’s not much he or she can do except register a complaint — loudly.

It makes sense, therefore, to help a child gain more of a sense of control. With Maddie, I learned that by choreographing a very predictable exit routine in the morning, I could leave for work or run errands with minimal upset. We either picked a book or video she liked and decided together that I would leave when we finished the book or “when Big Bird coughs.” I once made the mistake of lingering beyond the cough, only to hear Maddie say impatiently, “Okay, Mama, go now.” I practically skipped out the door.

The other critical factor is learning to limit how much you say or do as the time to go approaches. I’ve witnessed enough scenes in the hallways of my children’s schools to know that a parent who lingers and tells her child repeatedly not to worry is guaranteeing a long goodbye. After the third time Mom says, “It’s going to be fun! There’s no need to worry. Mommy will be right here when you’re finishes. So don’t be sad,” even the calmest kid will begin to think, ‘Hmmm. Maybe there is something she’s not telling me.” The result: You’ll be there until snack time every day.

Dear Annie,

My son is 2 1/2 years old. He has yet to sleep through the night. He wakes up crying for milk. I’m past exhaustion, I can’t be up every hour with him anymore. What should I do? He also is not eating very much during the day. Do you think these are problems are related? How do I get him to eat more? Thanks!

~Emily

Dear Emily,

I’m sure you know that you are hardly alone in your nighttime misery; in fact, I must receive a letter a week from a parent desperately seeking sleep. Your toddler’s frustrating pattern should not be hard to correct provided you are willing to a) wean him off nighttime feedings; b) commit the time to reconditioning him to sleep longer at night; and c) let him cry a little.

Let’s start with the first challenge: At his age, your son should not need milk at night. If you are still breastfeeding him, it’s likely he is using you to soothe himself rather than for nourishment. The same goes for bottle feeding; he should be able to last from dinner or a bedtime snack until morning without supplemental milk. You also mention that he’s not eating a lot during the day. Two year olds do not eat a lot, which can drive their parents nuts – or lead them to imagine that they’re starving to death. Rest assured that even if your son grazes his way through the day, provided he isn’t consuming a lot of empty calories, he doesn’t need as much as he may have a year ago when his body was growing much more rapidly. If you are really concerned about his eating habits, by all means talk to your pediatrician.

You can eliminate nighttime feedings in one of two ways: Gradually or by going cold turkey. Either way, he’s going to resist and you are going to have to be calm and consistent. If you decide to reduce gradually the number and duration of the nighttime feedings, start by resolving to feed him just at, say, 3 a.m., but when he wakes up again, put a chair by his bed or crib and use your voice or a pat on the back to reassure him. Do not pick him up and nurse or bottle feed or you’ll be back to square one. Obviously, your goal is to then eliminate one of the nighttime feedings and then go to none – again, with alternative soothing techniques just to get him out of the habit.

Depending on his language skills, you may be able to tell him, “Tonight, you’re going to have some milk before bed, but then no more bottle until breakfast.” When he wakes up, you can sit by his bed or stand at the door of his room, telling him that it’s time to go back to sleep, but resist the urge to nurse him.

The absolute toughest part of this will be the first couple of nights, but if you (and your husband/partner) are on the same page and if you are committed to making the change, your chances of success are much greater. All of the experts I have ever consulted about kids’ sleeping habits say the same thing: consistency is key. If you go two or three days without caving and then you are too exhausted one night to follow through or your partner sneaks in and gives him some milk, you will sent the message, “If you cry long and hard enough, we’ll give you what you want.” So try to find a time (maybe a weekend), when you can be home and determined to establish a different — wonderfully different — approach to getting some much-needed sleep. Believe me, you’ll be doing your son a favor, too!

For more on sleep, check out the interview I did with Kim West, “The Sleep Lady.”

I also highly recommend Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep? and Jodi A. Mindell’s Sleeping Through The Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night’s Sleep.

Dear Annie,

We’ve all been glued to the TV sets, watching as Haiti copes with the tragic aftermath of a devastating earthquake. As a result, you might be struggling with how to talk to your children about the disaster and how to protect them from news-overload.

Dear Annie,

 This tip and other excellent toilet teaching advice.

When it comes to potty training, the bottom line (no pun intended) is that the process is full of triumphs and challenges. For every successful flush, you can expect an accident or two. And with so many tips, techniques, and promises (“Diaper free in less than a day!”), it can be a struggle for Mom and Dad to navigate the toilet teaching terrain. Which is why I recently interviewed Beth Grosshans, Ph.D., child psychologist and the author of Beyond Time-Out: From Chaos to Calm, to see what she believes are the most important steps on the way to reaching this child development milestone. She offered the following helpful advice:

Dear Annie,

When my three-year-old daughter wakes up in the middle of the night, she always crawls into bed with my husband and me. We want to break this habit, but I don’t look forward to the nightly drama that I’m sure will ensue if we make her stick out the night in her own room. Any suggestions?

Beverly

Dear Beverly, 

You are not alone. According to the National Sleep Foundation, more than 10 percent of parents let their kids crawl into Mom and Dad’s bed if they wake up in the middle of the night. When my daughter Madeleine was little, I would spend hours getting her to  sleep before crawling out of the room on my hands and knees to keep the floor from creaking.

Ever since I’ve been collecting tips from parents and sleep experts -and here are a few of my favorites

• Try setting up a mattress for your daughter to sleep on at the foot of your bed, then move it each day a little closer to the door and eventually into her room. Alternatively, you can set up a pallet on her floor and gradually move down the hall.
• Don’t reward negative behavior by running every time she cries; instead, tell her that you’ll come check on her every 10 minutes as long as she’s quiet (but be sure to keep your promise).
• Do reward her positive behavior by setting up a sleep chart. For nights when she manages to stay in her bed, she earns a star on the calendar.  A week’s worth of stars earns her a special treat - a small gift or date with Mom or Dad alone.
• Remember, change doesn’t happen over night. In fact changing sleep patterns may take up to four weeks. So be patient, but consistent.
• Think empowerment, not punishment. Although your daughter is not going to thank you for forcing her to stay in her room, you are doing her a favor by teaching her to soothe herself. When we give our children opportunities to tolerate frustration or even a little sadness, we are empowering, not punishing, them.

Recent research may make your family’s food woes a littler easier to digest.

One study, from University College London, that looked at identical and fraternal twins, suggested that some children are genetically predisposed to shun new foods. This fear — known as food neophobia — may be a remnant from the days when humans had to scavenge for food and it was wise to be wary because that weird green plant could be toxic. Your toddler’s reaction to those weird green beans could actually be a response hardwired into his brain. That said, there are several related studies which suggest that parents should not decide "Johnny hates spinach" based on first impressions.  Unless a child rejects something at least 8 times (not in one meal!), don’t assume he’ll never grow to like that food.

Putting annoying adolescent behavior in perspective

One of the most useful parenting techniques I ever learned was reframing.  The idea is to relabel behavior in order to gain a more constructive perspective, thereby shifting from "I think I may have to kill you" to "I understand that what you did may be out of your control." 

Reframing is particularly valuable during your children’s teen years, when their developing brains may lead them to do some incredibly lame-brained things. For example, when your teenage daughter lies about her whereabouts and comes home at four a.m. or when your adolescent son gets a speeding ticket the day after his new license arrives in the mail, you may be tempted to catastrophize.  Before you start setting aside monies for their bail funds, consider the fact that their brains are a lot like they were during the toddler years.  They may act and talk in a more adult manner, but the parts of their adolescent brain that control impulses are under major constuction.  They lack the brakes necessary to weigh outcomes and choose the perhaps wiser path.  That’s why asking them, "What the hell were you thinking?"  is likely to prompt a shrug or, worse, a "What?" back at you.  Wait to talk about the consequences when you’ve cooled down enough to summon the executive thinking your adult brain is capable of producing. And when you do have a sit-down, hammer home the importance of  their stopping to think before they act - something you understand is a lot harder than they may realize. Needless to say, cautioning them to think before they act is a message you’ll have to deliver over and over again — just as you had to tell your toddler "Don’t touch! That’s hot!" only to watch him head for the stove again. 

If you want to learn more about the teen brain, check out my interview with  the wonderful Dr. David Walsh, author of Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen and  No: Why Kids - of All Ages - Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It.