Hi Ann,

My daughter is about to be 13 and is going through some major changes in her life. She just started middle school and overnight went from my little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around. I don’t know how much is normal growing up and distancing, and I don’t want to smother her, but I also need to be sure I know what she’s doing.

Are there any books you can recommended that I read for this age group? I have a son who is 14 but he hasn’t had the same dramatic changes.

Thanks in advance for any guidance you may have.

~Marci

Dear Marci,

Thanks so much for your email. There’s no question that the teen years are particularly challenging. As you’ve noticed, your daughter seems to have changed “overnight” from your “little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around.” To answer your first question, is this normal? The answer is absolutely! Teens often redefine themselves in direct opposition to their parents. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept. In fact, the change in her behavior may trigger feelings of resentment, loss, panic, and anger. In my book The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind, I counsel moms of teen girls to “let go of one’s self-image as a mom — totally — and remake that image just as your daughter is remaking herself.” That may mean finding new ways to connect with her — perhaps around a subject she’s interested in or a favorite TV show or movie — rather than by reminding her to write a birthday note to grandma. And it will also mean allowing her a little more freedom while still being clear about rules and consequences. Like a toddler, she may react to a firm no with a meltdown, but you should try not to cave, because she needs you steadiness and strength, which sends the message that you love her enough to set limits.

When it comes to books about parenting teens, one of my favorites is Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh. Another oldie but goodie is Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? by Anothony Wolf. And I have quite a bit about parenting teens in my book!

Good luck!

Annie

You hear a lot of grumbling these days about how kids think only of themselves. It doesn’t have to be that way. Several studies show that altruism can start as early as 18 months of age, and kids who volunteer have better grades, fewer discipline problems and are less likely to abuse drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes than their more self-centered peers. Here’s how you can help them get started.

Charity begins at home. Early on, reward your child’s impulses to aid other people. Kids as young as 3 can sort silverware or help you with the laundry.

Know thy neighbors. Reach out to neighbors; work together to clean up a park or organize a giant yard sale to raise money for a charity. Adopt a grandparent in the area who may need assistance with grocery shopping or an occasional visit.

Pick a passion. Many adolescents have strong feelings about the environment, racial inequality or other issues that inspire social action. Their internet savvy makes it easy to find ways to make a difference. DoSomething.org lists opportunities for teens, and Serve.gov finds dozens of volunteer opportunities by zip code.

Dear Annie,

My 13-year-old son does not receive invites or calls from other boys in his school. He started a new school last year in the 6th grade. As an ice breaker, I had some of the boys he liked over to our home and have done so on two other occassions in 2009. Girls his age are always busy socially, and I encourage him to call the other boys. But how is that helping him when the phone remains silent and there is no intiative on the other boys’ end? Is this normal? He is well behaved and does great academically but does not have any buddies. Please let me know what we should do?

~Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,

The most important question to ask yourself (and your son) is whether he wishes he had more friends. Don’t assume he’s lonely or upset about his social life unless he’s indicated as much, because boys are not girls and they don’t always socialize the way we did when we were his age. Unlike girls, who may spend hours gabbing on the phone or hanging out together, guys tend to connect through activities, whether it’s sports or a band. Also, some kids are social butterflies by nature, while your son may be more of a lone wolf — not necessarily a bad thing at all.

You might try to meet or talk to a couple of his favorite teachers to ask how he socializes at school. Ask about specific kids he hangs out with, so you can mention them when you talk to your son. Instead of asking him directly, “Do you wish you had more friends? Are you lonely?,” talk generally about the scene at school. Ask about some of the guys you invited to the house; share your own childhood memories of 6th and 7th grades — often a difficult time. If he does open up and complain that he has no friends or that nobody likes him, ask him to name a couple of guys he would most want to get to know better. Then find out — perhaps from their parents — what they’re planning this summer or what they do extracurricularly. Getting him connected to even one kid may be the key to expanding his circle.

We all want our kids to be popular—or do we? The perks of a membership to the In Crowd certainly exist, but there are definite pitfalls to popularity.

I recently had psychologist and MomLogic contributor Wendy Walsh, Ph. D. on my show to discuss the negative effects of being part of the “cool” clique.

“A recent study that followed a group of eighth graders for a year found that the most popular ones acted out the group norms more aggressively and led the way in to some forms of delinquency and some drug use,” Walsh says. The healthiest place for you child on the popularity scale? Probably somewhere in the middle, Walsh says.

See my complete interview with Dr. Walsh below for tips on how to help your teen handle peer problems.

We’ve all been glued to the TV sets, watching as Haiti copes with the tragic aftermath of a devastating earthquake. As a result, you might be struggling with how to talk to your children about the disaster and how to protect them from news-overload.

When you think about teens and substance abuse, you probably imagine scary scenarios involving alcohol or illegal drugs. I doubt the bathroom cabinet even flashes through your mind. But according to a recent survey of teens by the Partnership for a Drug-Free America, one in ten admit to using cough medicine to get high and 28 percent say they know someone who’s tried it.

The only thing worse than being a tween who is the victim of the class Queen Bee is being the mom of that tormented tween. In her bestselling book Queen Bees & Wannabes, first published in 2002 (you might know it as the basis for the movie Mean Girls), Rosiland Wiseman provided insight into the often cruel world of cliques and gossip. Given the explosion of Facebook, Twitter and the like, Wiseman decided an update was warranted. In the newly revised edition, aptly subtitled Helping Your Daughter Survive Cliques, Gossip, Boyfriends, and the New Realities of Girl World, she takes a fresh look at the new virtual weapons that equip girls with even more ways to pick on, make fun of, and isolate their peers.

 How to support your child and avoid homework hassles.

1. Provide a good work space: Many of us grew up believing that the best place to do homework was alone in a quiet room at a tidy desk, sharpened pencils in hand. But lots of kids do better sprawled on their bedroom floor or sitting at the kitchen table. Let your child pick the spot; just make sure there’s a relatively clutter-free surface on which to write, good light, and no TV or blaring music.