Dear Leah,

 

Your toddler has reached the stage when his skill set is slightly out of whack. He’s walking (even running) and has much better muscle control (all the better to land those kicks!) and he can dash off and explore. But he’s still a little guy in a big, scary world, and when he feels anxious, he wants his Mom – now! Unfortunately, no matter how advanced his language skills, he can’t say, “Look, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, I really appreciate your attention, but I would prefer to have my mom at home.” Instead, he expresses his sadness and anger the way most toddlers do — by yelling and kicking and insisting, “Momma do it!”

 

What’s most important is that you and your husband and in-laws realize that he is not being “mean” when he lashes out. So telling him to be nice or trying to impress upon him that he’s hurting someone’s feelings probably won’t work.
 
Children can’t see someone else’s point of view until they are at least 4 or 5. Instead, when he’s upset, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye, and say, “I know you’re upset and that you want Momma right now, but there is no kicking or yelling. Dad will help you.” Then get out of the room while your husband deals with your son. Like you, he should empathize with your son, repeating that he knows he’s upset and that he understands it’s hard to say goodbye to Momma, but then, as quickly as possible, he should involve your son in something just the two of them do together — a particular game or toy that becomes part of their special routine.

 

The same goes for your in-laws. They should help him express what he’s feeling- – “You’re really angry!” or “It’s hard to say good-bye sometimes” – -but they should then just get him involved in a distracting game or book.
 
Also, when you know you’re going to have to leave, give your son some warning and get your husband or in-laws playing with him before you exit. Whatever you do, don’t try to sneak out. And, of course, when he comes around and behaves well, make sure your husband and his grandparents give him a big hug!

 

 

 

Dear Kate,


 

Like it or not, we live in a cleanliness-obsessed culture; in many parts of the world, children aren’t bathed more than once or twice a week and they do just fine.
 
So my first thought is, two or three baths a week doesn’t sound bad (assuming you wash her hands regularly). That said, bath time certainly doesn’t sound like fun for anyone in your household, so here are a few suggestions.

 

First, your bath battles – like food fights, sleep struggles, and other familiar toddler challenges – are probably more about her struggle to assert control over her life and less about a phobia or fear. Your daughter is at the age where she is probably wanting to “do it myself” in every arena from soaping her body to pouring her own cereal to wearing a bathing suit in the dead of winter. New skills and budding independence collide with her need for guidance and supervision (particularly around water!).

 

You might ameliorate this by giving her control elsewhere: Let her brush her own hair or pull her own shirt over her head (and if it’s backwards, leave it alone). Have you tried giving her a special baby doll that she can bathe? Give her a large plastic bowl of water and a washcloth so she can wash someone else – as well as get washed herself.
 
And perhaps let her watch you take a bath of your own sometime; seeing you happy and relaxed in the tub may inspire her to join in.

 

My gut tells me that the less of a storm you make this, the sooner it will blow over. Chances are good that this behavior – like many frustrating phases – shall pass. And by the time she reaches the teen years, you’ll be banging on the bathroom door for a chance to shower!
 

 

Dear Lisa,

It sounds as though you have already pinpointed several possible triggers for your daughter’s meltdowns.  As you have noticed, she often loses it when she’s tired – very typical for kids her age, who may have given up an afternoon nap, but still need some quiet time every day — or even a few minutes of shut-eye.  These days, preschoolers often have very busy lives: fulltime school, extracurricular activities, playdates.  Take a look at her schedule and make sure to build in some down time. 

 

Given the other issue you mention – a tough summer – you might want to make some of that down time “Mommy-and-me” dates.  Even something as simple as going out to breakfast together once a week or taking a walk after dinner or cooking can be a lovely way to connect.  If she manages to make it through your date with no meltdowns, be sure to compliment her for being such a big girl.  You can also use that time to talk about her tantrums.  She’s old enough to begin to identify and to describe what it feels like when she gets worked up.  Give her a pillow to punch or a breathing/relaxation technique to try (counting to 10, for example) when she gets frustrated or upset.  But explain that you’re confident that she can handle her feelings in a different way.  

 

If she seems to be deliberately acting out to get attention, then you’re right to try to avoid rewarding her meltdowns by fussing over her.  Instead, just announce that you’re going to be in the next room, but that you are not going to listen to her screaming.  Most important, continue to do a little detective work to identify what seems to set her off.  Chances are she will outgrow this challenging period, but she will need your help to provide reasonable expectations and consequences – not for feeling frustrated – but for behaviors like hitting or throwing things or screaming.  Like all preschoolers, she needs limits and consistency, so as much as you may be tempted to “give in,” I would urge you to stick to the rules, state the consequences clearly and calmly, and follow through consistently. I know that’s a tall order but it definitely will make her feel safer and less likely to pitch a fit or lose control.