Ann Pleshette Murphy » motherhood

I want my Mommy!

admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 21:17:51 +0000

Dear Annie,

My 2 1/2-year-old son can be very mean to my husband and in-laws. He kicks and yells at them, telling them to go away and not to talk to him and that only Momma can do anything. He acts like this for a little while after I leave, then he gets over it. I’ve been telling him it’s not nice and he’s hurting feelings. If I see it, I put him in time-out as I know he understands what he is doing. My husband and in-laws do the same. The majority of this acting out is not in my presence, so I’m at a loss as to what I can do to help stop these actions. Any tips or tricks to help get him over this phase would be great.

~Leah

Dear Leah,

Your toddler has reached the stage when his skill set is slightly out of whack. He’s walking (even running) and has much better muscle control (all the better to land those kicks!) and he can dash off and explore. But he’s still a little guy in a big, scary world, and when he feels anxious, he wants his Mom – now! Unfortunately, no matter how advanced his language skills, he can’t say, “Look, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, I really appreciate your attention, but I would prefer to have my mom at home.” Instead, he expresses his sadness and anger the way most toddlers do — by yelling and kicking and insisting, “Momma do it!”

What’s most important is that you and your husband and in-laws realize that he is not being “mean” when he lashes out. So telling him to be nice or trying to impress upon him that he’s hurting someone’s feelings probably won’t work.   Children can’t see someone else’s point of view until they are at least 4 or 5. Instead, when he’s upset, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye, and say, “I know you’re upset and that you want Momma right now, but there is no kicking or yelling. Dad will help you.” Then get out of the room while your husband deals with your son. Like you, he should empathize with your son, repeating that he knows he’s upset and that he understands it’s hard to say goodbye to Momma, but then, as quickly as possible, he should involve your son in something just the two of them do together — a particular game or toy that becomes part of their special routine.

The same goes for your in-laws. They should help him express what he’s feeling- – “You’re really angry!” or “It’s hard to say good-bye sometimes” – -but they should then just get him involved in a distracting game or book.   Also, when you know you’re going to have to leave, give your son some warning and get your husband or in-laws playing with him before you exit. Whatever you do, don’t try to sneak out. And, of course, when he comes around and behaves well, make sure your husband and his grandparents give him a big hug!

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

Preserving family time despite Dad’s busy work schedule

admin — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:47:55 +0000

Dear Annie,

My husband and my 21-month-old son are on opposite schedules. Our son’s day is the typical toddler’s: awake from 7:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. with a nap from 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. With my husband’s second and third shift obligations, there are whole days where they don’t get to see each other.

I have horrible guilt that our son doesn’t get to see his father (I should probably mention that Daddy was in school and home all the time with our son for the first year-plus of his life). What can I do first to get over the sadness that baby usually only gets to see Daddy for 20 minutes a day? And do you have any ideas on how I can find more time for us to spend as a family?

~Dana

Dear Dana,

Guilt is endemic to motherhood. (I’m pretty sure Cro-Magnon Mom fretted about whether she was giving her toddler enough mastodon meat for dinner.) So my first piece of advice is mind your own guilt – don’t layer on feelings that may or may not be shared by your husband. He may, indeed, feel guilty that he can’t spend more time with your son, but he may also believe – as lots of fathers do – that being a good provider is an important part of his identity as a dad. Working three shifts may be a source of pride rather than guilt, especially at this tough economic time when so many men are unemployed.

I would also explore your own feelings about his work hours. You must miss him, too, and feel a certain amount of resentment that he’s away at work much more than during his student years. In any case, a good starting place would be to have a conversation with your husband to share your feelings and, more important, to see how he’s doing. Your goal is not to lay a guilt trip on him, but to talk about your family time and about your wish to find a way for him to spend more one-on-one time with your son. If your husband has weekends off, plan to hang out together – without the pressure of running errands or checking emails or even answering the phone. When my kids were little I felt the same guilt you describe — mine over the fact that we didn’t have enough family dinners together, which you can read more about in this post.

You’ve already experienced two very different schedules in your son’s short life; no doubt it will change again in the coming years. Parental relationships are built on more than how many hours are clocked. Fortunately, your husband was able to be with your son during his first year of life; the bond they formed during that time will sustain their relationship in the years ahead.

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

The amazing true story of an unlikely pregnancy

admin — Wed, 14 Oct 2009 16:43:04 +0000

It’s rare for a memoir to read like a thriller but Alice Eve Cohen’s new book, What I Thought I Knew, does just that. The incredible story is about her discovery, at age 44, that she was not going through menopause or suffering from an abdominal tumor. She was six months pregnant, years after being told she was infertile and after having adopted a wonderful baby. The book is fascinating, brutally honest, and very funny. As mothers we need to tell our stories — and this is one of the very best.

See my interview with the author here:

Take a child’s-eye view of your day

admin — Mon, 10 Aug 2009 18:34:17 +0000

Give yourself credit for small acts of caring.

My to-do list has amazing regenerative powers. For each "to-do" I slash off, two more magically appear in its place. But whenever I have a day that feels particularly unproductive, I take a second to remember Lego Man’s hair. Yes, you read that right: I’m talking about the tiny piece of plastic that fits on Lego figures’ heads. I call this to mind because of an incident that happened a few years ago on a not-so-wonderful day.

My son Nick was about six at the time and I was keeping him company as he took a bath. I was sitting with my back to the bathroom wall, rewriting one of several to-do lists I had read and refolded so many times it was falling apart. I was not a happy camper, a state of mind Nick picked up on, because he asked, "What’s the matter, Mom?"

"Oh, nothing, honey," I lied. "I’m just frustrated because I didn’t get anything done today."

Nick looked at me as though I were insane and said, "What do you mean, Mom? You did a lot!"

"Like what?" I asked.

"Don’t you remember?" he said, "You found Lego Man’s hair!"

"Lego Man’s hair?" I asked, stalling for time. Then it came to me: the 15-minute search on hands and knees under his bed and behind his chair and in his sneakers for a yellow, lentil-sized piece of plastic. When I found it, Nick rejoiced like some crazed archaeologist celebrating the discovery of the Rosetta stone.

Of course, I had not bothered to put "Find Lego Man’s hair" on my to-do list, just as I had overlooked dozens of kid-oriented tasks and favors and treats and games that had clearly brightened Nick’s day. Filtered through his more appreciative lens, my desultory day looked down-right productive - even successful.

As moms, we rarely give ourselves credit for the countless acts of kindness we perform every day. "Picked green stuff out of rice" or "played 30 minutes of an excruciatingly boring game" or "wrestled kids into snowsuits" doesn’t make it into our daily agendas, so our "to-do" list seems despressingly un-done. But when we spend a few extra minutes indulging in a little playtime with our kids or we make a special meal or share a laugh, we are accomplishing much more than we realize. It’s the little moments that mean the most.