Preserving family time despite Dad’s busy work schedule

admin — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:47:55 +0000

Dear Annie,

My husband and my 21-month-old son are on opposite schedules. Our son’s day is the typical toddler’s: awake from 7:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. with a nap from 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. With my husband’s second and third shift obligations, there are whole days where they don’t get to see each other.

I have horrible guilt that our son doesn’t get to see his father (I should probably mention that Daddy was in school and home all the time with our son for the first year-plus of his life). What can I do first to get over the sadness that baby usually only gets to see Daddy for 20 minutes a day? And do you have any ideas on how I can find more time for us to spend as a family?

~Dana

Dear Dana,

Guilt is endemic to motherhood. (I’m pretty sure Cro-Magnon Mom fretted about whether she was giving her toddler enough mastodon meat for dinner.) So my first piece of advice is mind your own guilt – don’t layer on feelings that may or may not be shared by your husband. He may, indeed, feel guilty that he can’t spend more time with your son, but he may also believe – as lots of fathers do – that being a good provider is an important part of his identity as a dad. Working three shifts may be a source of pride rather than guilt, especially at this tough economic time when so many men are unemployed.

I would also explore your own feelings about his work hours. You must miss him, too, and feel a certain amount of resentment that he’s away at work much more than during his student years. In any case, a good starting place would be to have a conversation with your husband to share your feelings and, more important, to see how he’s doing. Your goal is not to lay a guilt trip on him, but to talk about your family time and about your wish to find a way for him to spend more one-on-one time with your son. If your husband has weekends off, plan to hang out together – without the pressure of running errands or checking emails or even answering the phone. When my kids were little I felt the same guilt you describe — mine over the fact that we didn’t have enough family dinners together, which you can read more about in this post.

You’ve already experienced two very different schedules in your son’s short life; no doubt it will change again in the coming years. Parental relationships are built on more than how many hours are clocked. Fortunately, your husband was able to be with your son during his first year of life; the bond they formed during that time will sustain their relationship in the years ahead.

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

Lose the bottle-feeding guilt

admin — Sat, 15 Aug 2009 20:36:14 +0000

Dear Annie,

I had a really tough time breast-feeding, and after four weeks of pain and frustration, I switched to formula. I could not believe the guilt trip some of my relatives and friends put me on. Do you think I should try again?

Amy

Dear Amy,

Most of us assume that the natural flow of milk goes hand in hand with an instinctive understanding of how to get that milk into the baby’s mouth. So when something as seemingly simple as sticking your boob in your newborn’s mouth proves painfully challenging, a cascade of feelings follows: frustration, disappointment, guilt. The fact that family and friends added to your anxiety reveals more about their insensitivity than your ability to nourish your baby. Believe me, there are millions of highly successful, loving children out there who were fed nothing but formula by their parents. It’s wonderful that you tried, but you should not beat yourself up about your decision to switch to bottle-feeding. That said, should you decide to have another child, don’t assume you will not be able to nurse. Try to find a sympathetic lactation consultant, who can come to your home and show you exactly what to do. And the next time someone lectures you about the benefits of breast-feeding vs. bottle-feeding, just smile and say, "I’ve heard all this before. But what you’re saying makes me feel bad." Then change the subject to your baby’s most recent adorable achievement.

Ann Pleshette Murphy » guilt

Preserving family time despite Dad’s busy work schedule

Lose the bottle-feeding guilt