Dear Annie,

My son just barely turned 2-years-old, and we are starting to see the very normal behavioral patterns of a typical 2-year-old, where he is beginning to test us by not listening and throwing small tantrums, etc. He’s not by any means out of control or anything, but before he really begins to act out, I’d like prepare myself with some general advice on how to begin disciplining him now and being consistent. Up until this point, we’ve gotten away with simply explaining to him why/why not you do/don’t do something, which we will always continue to do. However, now that he can better understand and communicate, I’d like to introduce the more regimented types of discipline like, a “time-out” and/or “counting to 3…” which will let him know that what he is doing is not okay and he needs to stop and listen. I’d like to learn some good, consistent ways that we can practice helping him listen to us when he’s acting out. I’d also like to know how to introduce a time-out, when/if it’s necessary.

I believe it’s important to pick and choose your battles when they are this young, but when it’s something that truly needs to be addressed, I’d really like to learn how to be a good and healthy disciplinarian without resulting to shouting (because then, I just feel awful). Can you give me some tips on how to introduce this into our household and what type of reactions to expect from my son? I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you SO much! P.S. I’m so excited to have found your website!

Best,

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Your question is wonderful because you clearly understand the importance of anticipating changes and challenges in your son’s behavior. It sounds as though you’re doing a good job of talking him through the occasional meltdown or misbehavior, but you’re right to recognize that that won’t always work. In fact, you may find that a discipline method that worked beautifully one day may backfire the next. That’s because his ability to manage his emotions and control his behavior is subject to things like fatigue, hunger, or just having an “off” day. Tuning into his unique personality and trying to identify his strengths will be invaluable in deciding whether he responds best to a monitored “time out” or to other methods. Some children need help collecting themselves and so holding them in your lap (not always easy) and talking calmly until the cloud passes works very well. And a mom shared an idea with me recently that I liked: She created a “peace corner” in their house — a kind of cozy, tented space, where her kids were told to go when they were getting overly excited or upset. She says they now go there voluntarily whenever they need a little quiet tim

Of course, no matter what you use, the keys are clarity, consequences, and follow through. One technique I like is adapted from an excellent book called Beyond Time Out by Beth Grosshans. She suggests: 1) make simple statements in a calm voice: “Time to clean up” 2) repeat your request: “It’s time to clean up and this is the last warning I’m going to give you before you have to go to your room for a time out” 3) Explain why he’s going to his room: “I asked you to clean up twice. Now you have to go to your room” 4) Supervise the time out (I realize this isn’t always convenient, but you are asserting your authority by standing guard and being the one who decides when he’s calm enough to come out. Many parents are taught to say, “When you’ve calmed down, you can come out,” but that effectively gives the child the power to decide…5) Say calmly, “Ok. Now you can come out and clean up your toys.” I know this may not work every time, but if you are clear about which behaviors you want to change, provide appropriate consequences, and follow through (empty threats are like Kryptonite!) and share your approach with your spouse, grandparents, caregivers — you will be doing your son a big favor!

Good luck. And thanks so much for writing.

Annie

A few weeks ago, I posted a segment about spanking that ran on Good Morning America. It reminded me of another article I contributed to earlier this summer. Yolanda Sangweni, a writer from Essence.com, reached out to me and asked if I would help a couple who disagreed about discipline. Mom spanks, Dad doesn’t. Read my advice to the Conrads below.

While Lanae and Calvin Conrad, both 34, are on the same page about most things, their parenting styles differ tremendously and discipline, in particular, remains a thorny issue. She’s a disciplinarian who spanks, while he’s a “let’s talk it out” type of father. They shared their story with Essence.com and let parenting expert Ann Pleshette Murphy weigh in:

Calvin said: “I was raised with parents who had boundaries but also allowed me to discover the world around me. They never spanked me…okay, maybe a few times, but it wasn’t their only method of disciplining. When I had a daughter, I told myself that I would raise her with the same principles. Instead of spanking her, I try to reason with her so she can recognize what she is doing wrong. In a way, I don’t want her to know what it’s like to be hit by a man. Call me crazy but I’m already thinking along those lines.”

Lanae said: “I grew up in a single-parent home with a strict mother who spanked me. With our daughter, I find I’m the same. If I say do something once or twice, the third time, my voice is going way up and she’s getting a spanking. I feel like I have to be on the defensive around my husband because I’m stricter. On a few occasions, he has stopped me from spanking her and that really bothers me. My husband knows I have the same intentions as he does. I’m not trying to scar her for life, I just want her to be clear about the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.”

Ann Pleshette Murphy: “It’s clear that you are both loving, thoughtful parents. And as you have learned — as together and like-minded as you may have felt before your daughter arrived — becoming parents ties us to our own childhoods, especially to memories of how our parents disciplined us. But the fact is, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline. Some children are better at controlling their impulses and only have to be told once what to do (or not to do). Others get so engrossed in what they’re doing, they appear ‘parent-deaf.’

“The key is to sit down together and talk about your daughter’s unique personality. It’s helpful to reflect on your daughter’s strengths, because you’ll probably discover you’re on the same page about a lot of things. Next, talk about the behaviors you want to change or improve. Try to be as specific as possible, because you can’t correct everything at once. Next, talk about some of the disciplinary tools you’ve employed in the past and whether they have been effective. There is no question that a swat on the behind may stop misbehavior in the short term, but research has demonstrated that spanking does not do much in the long term. Calvin, come up with some rules and consequences that you explain to your daughter and that you consistently reinforce.

“The most important thing to keep in mind is that you guys don’t have to parent exactly the same, but that you do need to work as a team when it comes to discipline.”

This article originally appeared on Essence.com.

Often on my show, I answer questions from viewers. I recently tackled three excellent questions:

• How do I discourage people from kissing my newborn without offending them?
• How do I balance my child’s safety with her need to run around and explore her environment?
• How do I handle other mothers or caregivers who try to discipline my child?

For my answers, check out the video below.

Recently, I appeared on Good Morning America to debate the topic of spanking. I do not believe spanking is an appropriate or effective discipline method; years of research has shown that spanking increases aggression and is linked to depression. But I know a lot of parents out there disagree. Watch the segment here, and then I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below.

Dear Annie,

My two boys, 7 and 4, fight constantly! What can I do to control the situation when it gets out of hand?

~K.L.

Dear K.L.,

Having just spent the weekend with friends, whose 1-year-old yellow labs spent hours at a time biting, chasing, and barking at one another, I was reminded that siblings’ tendency to “fight” is probably hardwired. It’s also a really good way to get your attention. As tough as it can be, one of your most effective weapons can be to try to ignore as much of their fighting as possible. That said, I remember very well how difficult it was to ignore my kids, who — like your boys — are three years apart in age, when their battles got heated.

I did find a few strategies particularly helpful: When they fought over the TV remote or a video game controller or a toy, I simply told them I was turning off the TV or taking away the toy. That usually led to an “us against Mom” reaction that made it possible for me to say, “OK, you can have it back, but only if you can figure out a way to share it. Or I’m taking it away again.” When they fought in the backseat of the car, I instituted revolving seat assignment: Maddie got to choose one day, Nick the next. I also did pull over on more than one occasion until they calmed down. And then there was the phase when I charged them for nasty comments: 25 cents every time one of them called the other a name or said something mean. I also learned to read between the battle lines. When Maddie was about 11 and Nick was 8, they were in very different “places” in terms of their self-confidence and peer relationships. The result? Their fights escalated. What helped was making Maddie feel better about herself through some one-on-one time with me and with her dad and also through some extracurricular activities we set up.

By far the most important thing is to pay attention to those situations that are most volatile. If you know that they tend to fight most often right before dinner or when it’s time to do homework or when you’re waiting in a line, talk to them in advance and strategize some ways to make those challenging times easier: Ask them to prepare a healthy snack, play “school” and have one of them be the teacher demanding the other finish his homework (then switch roles); bring along a game they enjoy when you know you’ll have to wait.

As with any discipline issue, the key is to anticipate problems, warn your boys about the consequences of their fighting, and then follow through if they do it anyway.

Good luck! If it’s any consolation, I thought my kids would never be close. They’re best friends!

Annie,

My daughter and her husband divorced within the last year and a half, and we are currently having a real problem with my eight-year-old grandson. He's been whining a lot and also always has to  be first or always win a game. If he's not first or does not win, he whines. He also spends a lot of time whining when he returns from a weekend with his father. My daughter is at her wit's end, and we would appreciate any insight you may have. Thanks.

~Nan

Dear Nan,

What your question tells me is that your grandson is desperate for the adults in his life to establish some clear rules and boundaries. Right now, the three people he loves most in the world – his mom, his dad, and you – are having a hard time getting on the same page (never easy after a divorce), and this lack of clarity is extremely stressful. (I don’t’ think it’s a coincidence that he is having particular trouble with following the rules of games – including losing graciously.)

As difficult as it may be for your daughter to co-parent with her ex, she needs to try, because your grandson’s whining – and other negative behaviors – are only going to get worse if his parents can’t come together to set clear rules and consequences. I realize how hard that can be, as I’m sure they both feel guilty and want to be his “favorite,” but they have a responsibility to support him by providing structure – which is really what discipline is all about.

One place to start would be to make sure he knows the difference between a whiny voice and the kind of tone you want him to use. Sometimes kids don’t really hear themselves. When he’s not whining, point out how nice he sounds, and ask him if he can hear the difference between a whiny voice and a nice voice. Demonstrate what you mean and then ask him to talk in a whiny voice and a nice voice. Most kids his age enjoy this “game” and get it right away. Then tell him that when he uses a whiny voice, you will not respond – and try very hard to stick to your guns. Tell your daughter to talk to her ex (or to email him) about the new rules regarding whining. And, of course, if there are other behaviors you want to work on, try to strategize solutions for your grandson's sake. If your daughter and ex-son-in-law can agree on certain routines and rules they want him to respect and if they can avoid bad-mouthing or blaming one another for your son’s negative behavior (e.g., deciding that the whining is much worse after a weekend with dad because dad isn’t doing a good job), I’m pretty sure the behavior will lessen.

One last point: Your grandson’s need to win or to be first is totally age-appropriate. I remember playing games with my son, Nick, when he was eight, and he always found ways to “explain” the rules to me so that he came out ahead! I found it worked to simply say, “Hey, Nick. I love playing this card game with you, but let’s say what the rules are and stick to them, or I’m not going to play.” And if you want your grandson to play without whining, make it clear that the game will be over if he makes a fuss about losing. Then put the game away if he starts to whine.

Dear Annie,