Annie shares the tricks to getting your kids to help out around the house.

Give yourself credit for small acts of caring.

My to-do list has amazing regenerative powers. For each "to-do" I slash off, two more magically appear in its place. But whenever I have a day that feels particularly unproductive, I take a second to remember Lego Man’s hair.  Yes, you read that right: I’m talking about the tiny piece of plastic that fits on Lego figures’ heads. I call this to mind because of an incident that happened a few years ago on a not-so-wonderful day. 

My son Nick was about six at the time and I was keeping him company as he took a bath.  I was sitting with my back to the bathroom wall, rewriting one of several to-do lists I had read and refolded so many times it was falling apart.  I was not a happy camper, a state of mind Nick picked up on, because he asked, "What’s the matter, Mom?"

 "Oh, nothing, honey," I lied. "I’m just frustrated because I didn’t get anything done today."

Nick looked at me as though I were insane and said, "What do you mean, Mom? You did a lot!"

"Like what?" I asked.

"Don’t you remember?" he said, "You found Lego Man’s hair!"

 "Lego Man’s hair?" I asked, stalling for time.  Then it came to me: the 15-minute search on hands and knees under his bed and behind his chair and in his sneakers for a yellow, lentil-sized piece of plastic.  When I found it, Nick rejoiced like some crazed archaeologist celebrating the discovery of the Rosetta stone.

Of course, I had not bothered to put "Find Lego Man’s hair" on my to-do list, just as I had overlooked dozens of kid-oriented tasks and favors and treats and games that had clearly brightened Nick’s day.  Filtered through his more appreciative lens, my desultory day looked down-right productive - even successful.

As moms, we rarely give ourselves credit for the countless acts of kindness we perform every day.  "Picked green stuff out of rice" or "played 30 minutes of an excruciatingly boring game" or "wrestled kids into snowsuits"  doesn’t make it into our daily agendas, so our "to-do" list seems despressingly un-done.  But when we spend a few extra minutes indulging in a little playtime with our kids or we make a special meal or share a laugh, we are accomplishing much more than we realize.  It’s the little moments that mean the most.

Dear Annie,

Reminding my kids (6 and 8 years old) to help with chores, whether it’s cleaning up their rooms or helping with dinner, is a nightmare.  They whine and "why" me to death. I hear myself saying things I swore I’d never say, like "Because I said so!" But bargaining for every tiny task is driving me crazy.

Sarah

Dear Sarah, 

Before you can change your kids’ behavior, you need to take a good, hard look at your own.  Are you consistent and calm?  Do you phrase requests in an authoritative voice or is there a question mark at the end of every sentence? Do you keep your requests short and sweet or do you tend to engage in long harangues that inspire parent-deafness?  

Let’s start with the first challenge: Consistency.  Many of us (notice that I’m including myself here) miss opportunities to make chores part of the family routine.  If setting the table is one of the kids’ "jobs" every single time you eat together as a family, then it should not be necessary to nag one of them to lend a hand.  You should simply say calmly and firmly, "Time to set the table" and whoever did it last can smirk at his/her sibling while that child hops to.

The same approach should apply to anything you want the kids to do. Give them a 15-minute warning before insisting they start on a chore, since no one, including adults, likes to be interrupted in the middle of a fun activity to go clean their rooms. If their clothes are all over the floor of their room, just state what you want: "Your clothes go in your bureau. Thanks!"  Avoid lectures about how much the clothes cost, how they wind up in the laundry when they leave them on the floor, how there are poor children all over the world who don’t have clothes…Don’t let the kids wear you down.  If they give you 19 reasons why they shouldn’t make their beds and you cave on the 20^th reason, they’ll only learn that 20 is the magic number. That’s a lesson you want to avoid at all costs.

And If a miracle happens and your kids volunteer to do something or attend to a chore without being nagged, be sure to acknowledge their good behavior with a specific statement, like "Thanks for listening the first time I asked. That really helps me out." Or "I really appreciated they way you did that without an argument."

Since you have two children relatively close in age, I’m betting that you are also dealing with what I call "the fairness wars." You likely often hear complaints like "Why do I have to do it? I did it yesterday!" Or "David never has to clear the table!" If that’s the case, you might want to implement some sort of chore chart or system that leaves some of the delegating to chance. For example, have them draw straws to see who gets what chore. Or you can try a rotational system, where each task changes hands each week, and everyone does each chore at one point or another.

How to use play to win bedtime battles, get kids to do chores, and more

I’ve met hundreds of mothers with kids of varying ages who suffer from the perfect mom fantasy, but it seems to cling with punishing tenacity during our children’s school years. Their lives are suddenly a lot busier, homework and after-school activities much more demanding, and when they feel the pressure, we do, too. Given the current state of the economy, many parents are working extra hours or trying to find ways to cut back on treats - like dinners out - so the dreaded "witching hour," between work/school and dinner/bedtime can be particularly rough.

Unfortunately, what often happens when we feel pressured or out of control is that we push the fun stuff aside and, instead, try to muscle through chores or meal prep or homework time - usually with grim determination. When your five-year-old whines for attention the minute you get home from work, you tell her to wait until after dinner and then you’ll play.  But after dinner, your 10-year-old needs help with his homework or it’s time for baths and then bedtime, so when your five-year-old complains again and refuses to get into her pajamas, you lose it. If this is not a familiar scenario, you can click to another part of this website.  But if it sounds like a variation on your family’s theme,  you may want to rethink your approach.

One of the simplest and most effective ways to make evenings go more smoothly is to play first, not last.  As tough as it may be to ignore the laundry or the fact that you need to make dinner and then pay bills and then… — JUST STOP! Then set aside 20 minutes before dinner to play a board game or read a book or simply snuggle on the couch with your kids.  If they’re starving, add a snack to the party, but make this downtime a regular part of your routine. Also, don’t forget that an adult’s chore (setting the table, sorting the laundry, using the Dustbuster to vacuum under the couch) is a child’s challenge - an opportunity to show off his grown-up skills, and every kid loves to be told "I bet you can’t sort that silverware before the timer goes off" or "I bet I can change into my PJs before you can!"   Play does more than grease the wheels, it provides opportunities to connect, to build skills, and - most important - to share a laugh, which is the absolute best medicine when we’re feeling burnt out.