Putting annoying adolescent behavior in perspective

One of the most useful parenting techniques I ever learned was reframing.  The idea is to relabel behavior in order to gain a more constructive perspective, thereby shifting from "I think I may have to kill you" to "I understand that what you did may be out of your control." 

Reframing is particularly valuable during your children’s teen years, when their developing brains may lead them to do some incredibly lame-brained things. For example, when your teenage daughter lies about her whereabouts and comes home at four a.m. or when your adolescent son gets a speeding ticket the day after his new license arrives in the mail, you may be tempted to catastrophize.  Before you start setting aside monies for their bail funds, consider the fact that their brains are a lot like they were during the toddler years.  They may act and talk in a more adult manner, but the parts of their adolescent brain that control impulses are under major constuction.  They lack the brakes necessary to weigh outcomes and choose the perhaps wiser path.  That’s why asking them, "What the hell were you thinking?"  is likely to prompt a shrug or, worse, a "What?" back at you.  Wait to talk about the consequences when you’ve cooled down enough to summon the executive thinking your adult brain is capable of producing. And when you do have a sit-down, hammer home the importance of  their stopping to think before they act - something you understand is a lot harder than they may realize. Needless to say, cautioning them to think before they act is a message you’ll have to deliver over and over again — just as you had to tell your toddler "Don’t touch! That’s hot!" only to watch him head for the stove again. 

If you want to learn more about the teen brain, check out my interview with  the wonderful Dr. David Walsh, author of Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen and  No: Why Kids - of All Ages - Need to Hear It and Ways Parents Can Say It.