A few weeks ago, I posted a segment about spanking that ran on Good Morning America. It reminded me of another article I contributed to earlier this summer. Yolanda Sangweni, a writer from Essence.com, reached out to me and asked if I would help a couple who disagreed about discipline. Mom spanks, Dad doesn’t. Read my advice to the Conrads below.

While Lanae and Calvin Conrad, both 34, are on the same page about most things, their parenting styles differ tremendously and discipline, in particular, remains a thorny issue. She’s a disciplinarian who spanks, while he’s a “let’s talk it out” type of father. They shared their story with Essence.com and let parenting expert Ann Pleshette Murphy weigh in:

Calvin said: “I was raised with parents who had boundaries but also allowed me to discover the world around me. They never spanked me…okay, maybe a few times, but it wasn’t their only method of disciplining. When I had a daughter, I told myself that I would raise her with the same principles. Instead of spanking her, I try to reason with her so she can recognize what she is doing wrong. In a way, I don’t want her to know what it’s like to be hit by a man. Call me crazy but I’m already thinking along those lines.”

Lanae said: “I grew up in a single-parent home with a strict mother who spanked me. With our daughter, I find I’m the same. If I say do something once or twice, the third time, my voice is going way up and she’s getting a spanking. I feel like I have to be on the defensive around my husband because I’m stricter. On a few occasions, he has stopped me from spanking her and that really bothers me. My husband knows I have the same intentions as he does. I’m not trying to scar her for life, I just want her to be clear about the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.”

Ann Pleshette Murphy: “It’s clear that you are both loving, thoughtful parents. And as you have learned — as together and like-minded as you may have felt before your daughter arrived — becoming parents ties us to our own childhoods, especially to memories of how our parents disciplined us. But the fact is, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline. Some children are better at controlling their impulses and only have to be told once what to do (or not to do). Others get so engrossed in what they’re doing, they appear ‘parent-deaf.’

“The key is to sit down together and talk about your daughter’s unique personality. It’s helpful to reflect on your daughter’s strengths, because you’ll probably discover you’re on the same page about a lot of things. Next, talk about the behaviors you want to change or improve. Try to be as specific as possible, because you can’t correct everything at once. Next, talk about some of the disciplinary tools you’ve employed in the past and whether they have been effective. There is no question that a swat on the behind may stop misbehavior in the short term, but research has demonstrated that spanking does not do much in the long term. Calvin, come up with some rules and consequences that you explain to your daughter and that you consistently reinforce.

“The most important thing to keep in mind is that you guys don’t have to parent exactly the same, but that you do need to work as a team when it comes to discipline.”

This article originally appeared on Essence.com.

Watch Annie’s tips and tricks for beating the back-to-school blues.

Often on my show, I answer questions from viewers. I recently tackled three excellent questions:

• How do I discourage people from kissing my newborn without offending them?
• How do I balance my child’s safety with her need to run around and explore her environment?
• How do I handle other mothers or caregivers who try to discipline my child?

For my answers, check out the video below.

Hi Ann,

My daughter is about to be 13 and is going through some major changes in her life. She just started middle school and overnight went from my little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around. I don’t know how much is normal growing up and distancing, and I don’t want to smother her, but I also need to be sure I know what she’s doing.

Are there any books you can recommended that I read for this age group? I have a son who is 14 but he hasn’t had the same dramatic changes.

Thanks in advance for any guidance you may have.

~Marci

Dear Marci,

Thanks so much for your email. There’s no question that the teen years are particularly challenging. As you’ve noticed, your daughter seems to have changed “overnight” from your “little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around.” To answer your first question, is this normal? The answer is absolutely! Teens often redefine themselves in direct opposition to their parents. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept. In fact, the change in her behavior may trigger feelings of resentment, loss, panic, and anger. In my book The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind, I counsel moms of teen girls to “let go of one’s self-image as a mom — totally — and remake that image just as your daughter is remaking herself.” That may mean finding new ways to connect with her — perhaps around a subject she’s interested in or a favorite TV show or movie — rather than by reminding her to write a birthday note to grandma. And it will also mean allowing her a little more freedom while still being clear about rules and consequences. Like a toddler, she may react to a firm no with a meltdown, but you should try not to cave, because she needs you steadiness and strength, which sends the message that you love her enough to set limits.

When it comes to books about parenting teens, one of my favorites is Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh. Another oldie but goodie is Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? by Anothony Wolf. And I have quite a bit about parenting teens in my book!

Good luck!

Annie

As the school year approaches, visions of smiling teachers, freshly-sharpened pencils and children waving from the school bus dance through my head. But the reality is that the back to school season can be a hectic time of year for Mom and Dad. Where are those school forms you need to sign? Does your daughter really need folders with the Jonas Brothers plastered on the front — won’t last year’s plain navy ones suffice? Your son often falls behind in his class reading within the first few months of school — should you alert his teacher now? I’ll be addressing challenges like these during a 30-minute blogcast on Tuesday, August 3 at 2 p.m. EST. I’d love for you to join the conversation. To register, click here.

Recently, I appeared on Good Morning America to debate the topic of spanking. I do not believe spanking is an appropriate or effective discipline method; years of research has shown that spanking increases aggression and is linked to depression. But I know a lot of parents out there disagree. Watch the segment here, and then I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below.

With summer in full-swing, I’m reminded of the first time my husband and I took our daughter on a summer vacation. She was only three months old. We headed south to spend a week in Florida. We packed a small suitcase for my clothes, an even smaller bag for my husband Steve and a steamer trunk for Maddie. Given the fact that her average outfit measured three by eight inches, we were, needless to say, taking no chances.

Anxious about the airplane flights, and the possibility of Maddie experiencing ear discomfort, I carted a carry-on bag containing several pacifiers, bags of powdered formula, extra bottles, and her five most entertaining stuffed animals. And, of course, there was the extra bag of diapers and related paraphernalia, not to mention the car seat, backpack and portable crib.

The only time Maddie cried was when I accidentally bumped her with one of the carry-on bags; in fact, her behavior throughout our vacation could best be described as angelic. She adapted to the climate change easily, seemed oblivious to the slight adjustments we made in her schedule, and took the airplane flights in stride.

Throughout Maddie and Nick’s childhood, we took them on several other trips, and in every case, our worst expectations were never realized. The seemingly endless car trips we took, despite warnings we wouldn’t make it past the first few hours, never devolved into total madness. In fact, on one very delayed plane flight, I noticed that the ones who whined and bellyached the most were the adults — not their kids. One man complained so loudly and incessantly about the cabin temperature that his seven-year-old son finally whispered, “Dad! Shhh. You’re making me embarrassed.”

Expecting our children to be bored, impatient, whiny and overtired on a trip is an excellent prescription for disaster. Planning carefully, thinking positively and taking our cues from our kids promises a far more successful family vacation. If you’re hitting the road this summer, don’t try to do too much. Plan some “downtime” — time to savor an exceptional sunset, get out of the car and inhale some clean mountain air, or linger at a local restaurant for another slice of homemade blueberry pie — because these are the moments you’ll remember when you flip (or scroll) through your pictures in the years to come.

What parents believe their young child can feel and do differs dramatically from reality, according to a recent survey released by the non-profit group Zero to Three. I recently talked about the survey with Ross Thompson, Ph.D.—a psychologist and fellow board member of Zero to Three. (I serve as Vice President of the board.)

“When it comes to understanding a young child’s emotional life,” Thompson says, “many parents underestimated the vitality of a baby’s emotional experience.” For example, only 30 percent of parents thought a baby can experience strong emotions, but research shows that by the age of 6 months, and even earlier, babies are capable of experiencing and expressing a host of emotions, including anger, sadness, surprise and joy.

On the flip side, “parents really thought there was more that kids were capable of in the early years than we know to be true,” says Thompson. Over 40 percent of parents thought a child aged 3 could control their emotions and manage tantrums. Research shows that this is an unrealistic expectation.

Watch the video of my interview with Ross Thompson below. And for more information, visit Zero to Three’s website.

You hear a lot of grumbling these days about how kids think only of themselves. It doesn’t have to be that way. Several studies show that altruism can start as early as 18 months of age, and kids who volunteer have better grades, fewer discipline problems and are less likely to abuse drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes than their more self-centered peers. Here’s how you can help them get started.

Charity begins at home. Early on, reward your child’s impulses to aid other people. Kids as young as 3 can sort silverware or help you with the laundry.

Know thy neighbors. Reach out to neighbors; work together to clean up a park or organize a giant yard sale to raise money for a charity. Adopt a grandparent in the area who may need assistance with grocery shopping or an occasional visit.

Pick a passion. Many adolescents have strong feelings about the environment, racial inequality or other issues that inspire social action. Their internet savvy makes it easy to find ways to make a difference. DoSomething.org lists opportunities for teens, and Serve.gov finds dozens of volunteer opportunities by zip code.

Watch Consumer Report’s guide to buying a safe crib.