Ann Pleshette Murphy » Learning

School year anxieties

admin — Sun, 19 Sep 2010 21:20:58 +0000

Your kids are back in the classroom, and you’ve survived the first-day-of-school jitters. But children of all ages face other anxieties even when the school year is underway. A big source of stress for preschoolers is whether mom will be there to pick them up. So if a babysitter or another relative will be meeting your child after school, make sure they know. Most important, be on time. There’s nothing more anxiety provoking than being the last child waiting in the classroom for Mom, Dad, or another caregiver to arrive at the end of the day.

If you have an elementary school kid, you may hear, ” My teacher is really mean!” or “My teacher hates me!” Before you rush to counter those complaints, ask some questions: What makes a teacher nice? Can they remember a “mean” teacher who actually taught them a lot? And what could they do to get to know the teacher a little better — asking for extra help is often a great way to connect with a teacher. Kids this age may also feel insecure if they haven’t yet found a “best friend” in their new class. Remind your child that they can still see their other friends outside of school. And to help them make new friends in class, see if you can arrange a couple of outings or dates with classmates your child knows even slightly.

By middle school, the focus of anxiety may be the class bully or “it” crowd. If your child is being teased, work with the school to solve this problem as soon as possible. Bullying can derail even the most confident kid. My friend and colleague, William Pollack, Ph.D., has worked extensively on helping victims of bullying; his book, Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, is also an excellent resource.

When it comes to homework complaints, the best person to turn to is your child’s teacher. Find out what’s expected and/or send a brief email explaining the difficulty your child may be having. As tempting as it may be, don’t do your kids’ work for them. The teacher will know (especially after she administers an in-class test or two) and you’ll be setting up a very bad precedent. If necessary, see if the school can provide some extra tutoring or other resources if your child seems to be struggling.

And until everyone is into the back-to-school groove, limit afterschool activities and keep the routines at home as predictable and comforting as possible. The entire family can benefit from down time — including shutting off the phones, the TV, and the computers while you play a game or just talk.

Beat the back-to-school blues

admin — Fri, 30 Jul 2010 17:28:47 +0000

As the school year approaches, visions of smiling teachers, freshly-sharpened pencils and children waving from the school bus dance through my head. But the reality is that the back to school season can be a hectic time of year for Mom and Dad. Where are those school forms you need to sign? Does your daughter really need folders with the Jonas Brothers plastered on the front — won’t last year’s plain navy ones suffice? Your son often falls behind in his class reading within the first few months of school — should you alert his teacher now? I’ll be addressing challenges like these during a 30-minute blogcast on Tuesday, August 3 at 2 p.m. EST. I’d love for you to join the conversation. To register, click here.

5 rules every parent should follow

admin — Thu, 11 Feb 2010 21:31:45 +0000

Whether your child is 10 months old or 10 years old, it’s never too late to brush up on parenting basics. For this reason, I’ve listed five principles that I consider to be the foundation of great parenting.

Laugh a lot. Laughter increases feel-good endorphins and lowers stress levels. Research also shows that when we see someone laughing, our brain responds by preparing our facial muscles to smile. This response encourages groups of people (like your family!) to laugh together, which in turn builds relationships.

Get the family moving. Find what works for your clan — it might be anything from yoga to rock climbing to basketball games in the driveway. Enlist the kids’ help in picking a physical activity everyone can enjoy. Getting your children active will go a long way toward lifelong good health.

Avoid labels. Childhood pigeonholes (like “soccer star” or “math whiz”) can stick around well into adulthood and send the insidious message that your child should stick to what he or she is good at — and not challenge him- or herself to try something new or difficult. Even worse, a negative label (like "all thumbs" or "scaredy cat") can become a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Read to kids every night. Even a few minutes can make a huge difference in developing language skills, especially if you are interactive when you read with your kids, according to research. Kids with a variety of reading materials at home score higher on standardized tests, so be sure to stock up on audio books, magazines, word games — anything that will help to exercise their reading muscles.

Catch kids being good. If you pay attention and verbally compliment good behavior every day, you probably will see less of the bad. Another upside to positive reinforcement: It cuts down on sibling rivalry. More often than not, kids fight as a way of getting Mom or Dad to pay attention, not about who controls the remote for the TV.

When homework stumps your child…and you

admin — Mon, 11 Jan 2010 15:00:12 +0000

I’ve done a lot of things right as a mom, but when it came to homework hassles, I deserved an “F.” My eldest would ask for my help, then complain that I was doing too much. My son Nick would ask me to explain a math problem and would break into a cold sweat and tell him “I stink at math” (really good modeling!). So when it came time to help him with college prep, I was thrilled to schedule a few one-on-one tutorials with Matt Butler, founder of the Butler Method. I didn’t need to review calculus, but I certainly did need to learn to butt out.

Matt and I recently regrouped to talk about ways parents can bridge the homework divide and walk that fine line between coaching and co-opting. Watch the video below for Matt’s tips – just in time for the start of second semester classes.

Pink brain, blue brain

admin — Mon, 16 Nov 2009 21:22:13 +0000

How gender stereotypes hurt our kids — and how to avoid it.

I remember watching my daughter Maddie when she was little, as she would rock her baby dolls. Comments like, ‘You’re going to be such a good mommy when you grow up, honey’ would easily roll off my tongue. But with my son Nick, whenever he acted tenderly toward a doll or stuffed animal, I had to remind myself to tell him, ‘You’re going to be such a good daddy.’ After reading Lise Eliot’s Pink Brain, Blue Brain, I’m especially glad I made the effort.

In her fascinating exploration of the ways we raise boys/girls and the impact that has on their development, Eliot, a neuroscientist, says there are actually very few differences at birth between the brains of boys and girls. Cultural influences — including parents — play a much bigger role in reinforcing gender stereotypes. For example, it’s easy to nurture your daughter’s growing, emotive vocabulary while encouraging your son to build Lego empires, but you aren’t doing either of them any favors when you ignore or discourage aspects of their development that seem counterintuitive to their gender. By doing so we help perpetuate the often-misguided boy vs. girl myths. Here are a few common ones and how to avoid them:

The Myth: Girls are more emotional than boys.

The Fix: There’s no biological reason that boys lack empathy, have trouble connecting, or express their emotions less often than girls, argues Eliot. Try to avoid telling little boys to “be strong” or “don’t cry”; rather give them the emotional freedom you would extend to a girl. Also, don’t underestimate the value of having your son help care for a pet. Feeding fish, putting down water for the dog, or even watering a plant of his own — and receiving praise for caring — can boost his sense of empathy in a big way. And when he gets into his teen years, encourage him to babysit or to help an elderly neighbor with chores.

The Myth: Boys best girls in math.

The Fix: During the early years, boys’ brains often get more exercise in areas that later help them in math — all that Lego-building, video game playing, and sports participation gives them practice in spatial relations. At birth, girls’ brains are just as fertile for building the connections related to math, but they need the practice. Involve them in sports, especially activities that involve hitting a target. Encourage them to build with blocks when they’re younger and to read maps in the car when they’re older (just not while they’re the driver!).

To hear more tips on raising children without gender bias, listen to my interview with Lise Eliot:

Paying for grades

admin — Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:06:26 +0000

Does cash motivate students?

The school year started off with a bang. Your child seemed eager to stay on top of his homework, but soon his energy and enthusiasm began to dwindle and now you worry he may be falling behind. Nagging, cajoling, threatening, punishing seem to get you nowhere. And the idea of offering a reward — say, a few dollars for good grades — crosses your mind.

While you’re hardly the first parent to consider paying for A’s, the approach seems to be spreading from families to schools to entire districts. "Learn and earn" programs run the gamut from providing non-cash incentives for good grades (pizza parties, ice cream socials) to paying students cold, hard cash for high test scores. But is it a good idea — at home or in school? I took a look at a controversial program in Brooklyn, NY, inspired in part by Harvard economist Roland Fryer, whom I interviewed for the story. I also spoke to Alfie Kohn, author of Punished by Rewards, who argues that paying kids for good grades sends the absolute wrong message — and even backfires.

What would you like to know from these guys about paying for grades? Send me a great question — and I’ll ask Kohn and/or Fryer in a follow-up interview later this month.

The 5 golden rules of homework help

admin — Tue, 08 Sep 2009 15:14:54 +0000

How to support your child and avoid homework hassles.

1. Provide a good work space: Many of us grew up believing that the best place to do homework was alone in a quiet room at a tidy desk, sharpened pencils in hand. But lots of kids do better sprawled on their bedroom floor or sitting at the kitchen table. Let your child pick the spot; just make sure there’s a relatively clutter-free surface on which to write, good light, and no TV or blaring music.

2. Stick to a routine. There’s often a lot competing for our kids’ after-school hours: play dates, TV, computer time, lessons, chores. But children — especially the elementary school set – need the structure of routines, including a regularly scheduled homework time. Even if your child claims to have no homework, turn off the TV, ignore the phone, and use that quiet time to read a book or to review class notes. If you can also use that time to pay bills or read the paper, all the better.

3. Refer problems to your child’s teacher. The point of homework is for kids to interpret or practice what they’ve learned in school, and teachers need to evaluate that by seeing what a child is capable of on his or her own. By all means stay in touch with your child’s teacher, but try to keep the homework contract between the two of them.

4. Keep kids company while they do their homework but don’t do it for them. Have them work at the kitchen counter while you prepare dinner, or lie in bed together and read chapters of your own books.

5. If a fight is brewing, step out of the ring. Homework struggles can escalate fast and usually aren’t pretty. They are often an effective way for a child to procrastinate or to connect with you – even if that connection is decidedly unpleasant. If you tend to be the parent who locks horns over homework, ask your spouse or another adult to take over homework supervision. I know neighbors who switch kids for an hour of homework every afternoon.