Thanksgiving’s fast approaching, and your mind is probably filled with thoughts of the best the holiday has to offer: Family and friends and, of course, turkey, dressing, potatoes and pie. But don’t forget that Turkey Day also offers a cornucopia of opportunities for your children’s good behavior to, well, turn foul (or fowl). To ensure your holiday isn’t for the birds, follow these simple rules.

Don’t dress up the kids until you arrive. Parents often make the mistake of dressing kids in their nice (and itchy and stiff) dinner clothes right before buckling them in for a long car trip. Comfort is key for the ride. Plan a pit stop to change a few minutes before you arrive or wait until you get to Grandma’s to gussy up.

Schedule Thanksgiving dinner as close to your children’s normal mealtime as possible. Work around their normal rhythm. If your family tradition is to eat at 3 or 4 p.m. (a.k.a, the kids’ naptime), they might be asleep in their candied yams before the meal concludes. Have dinner at 1 or 6 if you can. If not, feed the kids a snack around their normal lunchtime and explain that they’re expected to sit at the table and taste a few things even if they aren’t hungry.

On a related note, forget the clean plate club. Don’t ruin dinner by arguing over every bite. Make an agreement beforehand that they will try a little of everything on their plate, eat what they want and leave the rest. And that they won’t make a comment on the food, unless it’s a nice comment. Even a 4 year old can say “No, thank you” or “I prefer this please.” And if you’re nervous that your child’s limited palate might offend your host, explain ahead of time that you have an unadventurous eater on your hands.

Cancel the kids’ table. Most kids hate being relegated to a separate table. If you’re hosting and there’s spillover, set two tables with mixed generations. Then kids can learn a little about their history. Ask older family members to bring photos or stories of Thanksgivings past to share.

Manage your micromanaging. If you give your child a task, folding the napkins for example, don’t follow behind and redo the task if they fall short of your expectations. That’s a real blow to the self-esteem. Don’t assign your child a task that you will be tempted to second-guess.

Don’t mandate hugs and kisses. Explain to your children that they don’t have to kiss every cousin (or let Aunt Muriel pinch their cheeks), but they should shake hands, make eye contact, smile and talk. Sulking on the couch is not an option

Give kids a script and a plan. A shy child dreads being thrown in with 3 rarely seen cousins and told to “go play.” Try role-playing ahead of time to arm him with some icebreakers. And make sure to bring a favorite board game that he can play with family members.

It’s hard to say whom separation anxiety hits harder — you or your child. I experienced my fair share of bad good-byes, especially with my daughter Maddie. On her first day of preschool, for example, she urgently whispered, “No, Mama, don’t go! Don’t leave me!” I still remember that viselike grip on my neck as I presserd her small wet cheek against mine. Those tiny arms obliterated my resolve to keep our parting short, to kiss her good-bye once and then hand her over to her competent, caring teachers. I did exactly what they had advised against: I stayed until snack time every day that week.

This was hardly my first experience with separation anxiety, but it was one of the most painful. Not that it’s ever much fun. There were many mornings when, having pried a sobbing child off my shoulder, I left them with their loving, familiar babysitter, then walked around the block in the pouring rain so I could spy in the window. All was quiet on the home front, confirming what baby-sitters, teachers and grandparents always claim: “The crying stops the minute you’re out the door.” But I still longed to know whether the pain of these separations could leave lasting scars.

Researchers and psychologists who study separation anxiety have managed to shed some light on this and their work suggests ways to ease the anguish of saying good-bye. One key factor appears to be the issue of control or, rather, a child’s lack of it. A two-or three-year-old has very little say in his parents’ comings and goings. So when we announce, “We have to go out for a little while. Grandma will stay with you,” there’s not much he or she can do except register a complaint — loudly.

It makes sense, therefore, to help a child gain more of a sense of control. With Maddie, I learned that by choreographing a very predictable exit routine in the morning, I could leave for work or run errands with minimal upset. We either picked a book or video she liked and decided together that I would leave when we finished the book or “when Big Bird coughs.” I once made the mistake of lingering beyond the cough, only to hear Maddie say impatiently, “Okay, Mama, go now.” I practically skipped out the door.

The other critical factor is learning to limit how much you say or do as the time to go approaches. I’ve witnessed enough scenes in the hallways of my children’s schools to know that a parent who lingers and tells her child repeatedly not to worry is guaranteeing a long goodbye. After the third time Mom says, “It’s going to be fun! There’s no need to worry. Mommy will be right here when you’re finishes. So don’t be sad,” even the calmest kid will begin to think, ‘Hmmm. Maybe there is something she’s not telling me.” The result: You’ll be there until snack time every day.

Annie and Zero to Three’s Claire Lerner talk about the toys that will boost your child’s development.

Your kids are back in the classroom, and you’ve survived the first-day-of-school jitters. But children of all ages face other anxieties even when the school year is underway. A big source of stress for preschoolers is whether mom will be there to pick them up. So if a babysitter or another relative will be meeting your child after school, make sure they know. Most important, be on time. There’s nothing more anxiety provoking than being the last child waiting in the classroom for Mom, Dad, or another caregiver to arrive at the end of the day.

If you have an elementary school kid, you may hear, ” My teacher is really mean!” or “My teacher hates me!” Before you rush to counter those complaints, ask some questions: What makes a teacher nice? Can they remember a “mean” teacher who actually taught them a lot? And what could they do to get to know the teacher a little better — asking for extra help is often a great way to connect with a teacher. Kids this age may also feel insecure if they haven’t yet found a “best friend” in their new class. Remind your child that they can still see their other friends outside of school. And to help them make new friends in class, see if you can arrange a couple of outings or dates with classmates your child knows even slightly.

By middle school, the focus of anxiety may be the class bully or “it” crowd. If your child is being teased, work with the school to solve this problem as soon as possible. Bullying can derail even the most confident kid. My friend and colleague, William Pollack, Ph.D., has worked extensively on helping victims of bullying; his book, Real Boys: Rescuing Our Sons from the Myths of Boyhood, is also an excellent resource.

When it comes to homework complaints, the best person to turn to is your child’s teacher. Find out what’s expected and/or send a brief email explaining the difficulty your child may be having. As tempting as it may be, don’t do your kids’ work for them. The teacher will know (especially after she administers an in-class test or two) and you’ll be setting up a very bad precedent. If necessary, see if the school can provide some extra tutoring or other resources if your child seems to be struggling.

And until everyone is into the back-to-school groove, limit afterschool activities and keep the routines at home as predictable and comforting as possible. The entire family can benefit from down time — including shutting off the phones, the TV, and the computers while you play a game or just talk.

A few weeks ago, I posted a segment about spanking that ran on Good Morning America. It reminded me of another article I contributed to earlier this summer. Yolanda Sangweni, a writer from Essence.com, reached out to me and asked if I would help a couple who disagreed about discipline. Mom spanks, Dad doesn’t. Read my advice to the Conrads below.

While Lanae and Calvin Conrad, both 34, are on the same page about most things, their parenting styles differ tremendously and discipline, in particular, remains a thorny issue. She’s a disciplinarian who spanks, while he’s a “let’s talk it out” type of father. They shared their story with Essence.com and let parenting expert Ann Pleshette Murphy weigh in:

Calvin said: “I was raised with parents who had boundaries but also allowed me to discover the world around me. They never spanked me…okay, maybe a few times, but it wasn’t their only method of disciplining. When I had a daughter, I told myself that I would raise her with the same principles. Instead of spanking her, I try to reason with her so she can recognize what she is doing wrong. In a way, I don’t want her to know what it’s like to be hit by a man. Call me crazy but I’m already thinking along those lines.”

Lanae said: “I grew up in a single-parent home with a strict mother who spanked me. With our daughter, I find I’m the same. If I say do something once or twice, the third time, my voice is going way up and she’s getting a spanking. I feel like I have to be on the defensive around my husband because I’m stricter. On a few occasions, he has stopped me from spanking her and that really bothers me. My husband knows I have the same intentions as he does. I’m not trying to scar her for life, I just want her to be clear about the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.”

Ann Pleshette Murphy: “It’s clear that you are both loving, thoughtful parents. And as you have learned — as together and like-minded as you may have felt before your daughter arrived — becoming parents ties us to our own childhoods, especially to memories of how our parents disciplined us. But the fact is, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline. Some children are better at controlling their impulses and only have to be told once what to do (or not to do). Others get so engrossed in what they’re doing, they appear ‘parent-deaf.’

“The key is to sit down together and talk about your daughter’s unique personality. It’s helpful to reflect on your daughter’s strengths, because you’ll probably discover you’re on the same page about a lot of things. Next, talk about the behaviors you want to change or improve. Try to be as specific as possible, because you can’t correct everything at once. Next, talk about some of the disciplinary tools you’ve employed in the past and whether they have been effective. There is no question that a swat on the behind may stop misbehavior in the short term, but research has demonstrated that spanking does not do much in the long term. Calvin, come up with some rules and consequences that you explain to your daughter and that you consistently reinforce.

“The most important thing to keep in mind is that you guys don’t have to parent exactly the same, but that you do need to work as a team when it comes to discipline.”

This article originally appeared on Essence.com.

Watch Annie’s tips and tricks for beating the back-to-school blues.

As the school year approaches, visions of smiling teachers, freshly-sharpened pencils and children waving from the school bus dance through my head. But the reality is that the back to school season can be a hectic time of year for Mom and Dad. Where are those school forms you need to sign? Does your daughter really need folders with the Jonas Brothers plastered on the front — won’t last year’s plain navy ones suffice? Your son often falls behind in his class reading within the first few months of school — should you alert his teacher now? I’ll be addressing challenges like these during a 30-minute blogcast on Tuesday, August 3 at 2 p.m. EST. I’d love for you to join the conversation. To register, click here.

Recently, I appeared on Good Morning America to debate the topic of spanking. I do not believe spanking is an appropriate or effective discipline method; years of research has shown that spanking increases aggression and is linked to depression. But I know a lot of parents out there disagree. Watch the segment here, and then I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below.

With summer in full-swing, I’m reminded of the first time my husband and I took our daughter on a summer vacation. She was only three months old. We headed south to spend a week in Florida. We packed a small suitcase for my clothes, an even smaller bag for my husband Steve and a steamer trunk for Maddie. Given the fact that her average outfit measured three by eight inches, we were, needless to say, taking no chances.

Anxious about the airplane flights, and the possibility of Maddie experiencing ear discomfort, I carted a carry-on bag containing several pacifiers, bags of powdered formula, extra bottles, and her five most entertaining stuffed animals. And, of course, there was the extra bag of diapers and related paraphernalia, not to mention the car seat, backpack and portable crib.

The only time Maddie cried was when I accidentally bumped her with one of the carry-on bags; in fact, her behavior throughout our vacation could best be described as angelic. She adapted to the climate change easily, seemed oblivious to the slight adjustments we made in her schedule, and took the airplane flights in stride.

Throughout Maddie and Nick’s childhood, we took them on several other trips, and in every case, our worst expectations were never realized. The seemingly endless car trips we took, despite warnings we wouldn’t make it past the first few hours, never devolved into total madness. In fact, on one very delayed plane flight, I noticed that the ones who whined and bellyached the most were the adults — not their kids. One man complained so loudly and incessantly about the cabin temperature that his seven-year-old son finally whispered, “Dad! Shhh. You’re making me embarrassed.”

Expecting our children to be bored, impatient, whiny and overtired on a trip is an excellent prescription for disaster. Planning carefully, thinking positively and taking our cues from our kids promises a far more successful family vacation. If you’re hitting the road this summer, don’t try to do too much. Plan some “downtime” — time to savor an exceptional sunset, get out of the car and inhale some clean mountain air, or linger at a local restaurant for another slice of homemade blueberry pie — because these are the moments you’ll remember when you flip (or scroll) through your pictures in the years to come.

You hear a lot of grumbling these days about how kids think only of themselves. It doesn’t have to be that way. Several studies show that altruism can start as early as 18 months of age, and kids who volunteer have better grades, fewer discipline problems and are less likely to abuse drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes than their more self-centered peers. Here’s how you can help them get started.

Charity begins at home. Early on, reward your child’s impulses to aid other people. Kids as young as 3 can sort silverware or help you with the laundry.

Know thy neighbors. Reach out to neighbors; work together to clean up a park or organize a giant yard sale to raise money for a charity. Adopt a grandparent in the area who may need assistance with grocery shopping or an occasional visit.

Pick a passion. Many adolescents have strong feelings about the environment, racial inequality or other issues that inspire social action. Their internet savvy makes it easy to find ways to make a difference. DoSomething.org lists opportunities for teens, and Serve.gov finds dozens of volunteer opportunities by zip code.