It’s hard to say whom separation anxiety hits harder — you or your child. I experienced my fair share of bad good-byes, especially with my daughter Maddie. On her first day of preschool, for example, she urgently whispered, “No, Mama, don’t go! Don’t leave me!” I still remember that viselike grip on my neck as I presserd her small wet cheek against mine. Those tiny arms obliterated my resolve to keep our parting short, to kiss her good-bye once and then hand her over to her competent, caring teachers. I did exactly what they had advised against: I stayed until snack time every day that week.

This was hardly my first experience with separation anxiety, but it was one of the most painful. Not that it’s ever much fun. There were many mornings when, having pried a sobbing child off my shoulder, I left them with their loving, familiar babysitter, then walked around the block in the pouring rain so I could spy in the window. All was quiet on the home front, confirming what baby-sitters, teachers and grandparents always claim: “The crying stops the minute you’re out the door.” But I still longed to know whether the pain of these separations could leave lasting scars.

Researchers and psychologists who study separation anxiety have managed to shed some light on this and their work suggests ways to ease the anguish of saying good-bye. One key factor appears to be the issue of control or, rather, a child’s lack of it. A two-or three-year-old has very little say in his parents’ comings and goings. So when we announce, “We have to go out for a little while. Grandma will stay with you,” there’s not much he or she can do except register a complaint — loudly.

It makes sense, therefore, to help a child gain more of a sense of control. With Maddie, I learned that by choreographing a very predictable exit routine in the morning, I could leave for work or run errands with minimal upset. We either picked a book or video she liked and decided together that I would leave when we finished the book or “when Big Bird coughs.” I once made the mistake of lingering beyond the cough, only to hear Maddie say impatiently, “Okay, Mama, go now.” I practically skipped out the door.

The other critical factor is learning to limit how much you say or do as the time to go approaches. I’ve witnessed enough scenes in the hallways of my children’s schools to know that a parent who lingers and tells her child repeatedly not to worry is guaranteeing a long goodbye. After the third time Mom says, “It’s going to be fun! There’s no need to worry. Mommy will be right here when you’re finishes. So don’t be sad,” even the calmest kid will begin to think, ‘Hmmm. Maybe there is something she’s not telling me.” The result: You’ll be there until snack time every day.

Annie and Zero to Three’s Claire Lerner talk about the toys that will boost your child’s development.

A few weeks ago, I posted a segment about spanking that ran on Good Morning America. It reminded me of another article I contributed to earlier this summer. Yolanda Sangweni, a writer from Essence.com, reached out to me and asked if I would help a couple who disagreed about discipline. Mom spanks, Dad doesn’t. Read my advice to the Conrads below.

While Lanae and Calvin Conrad, both 34, are on the same page about most things, their parenting styles differ tremendously and discipline, in particular, remains a thorny issue. She’s a disciplinarian who spanks, while he’s a “let’s talk it out” type of father. They shared their story with Essence.com and let parenting expert Ann Pleshette Murphy weigh in:

Calvin said: “I was raised with parents who had boundaries but also allowed me to discover the world around me. They never spanked me…okay, maybe a few times, but it wasn’t their only method of disciplining. When I had a daughter, I told myself that I would raise her with the same principles. Instead of spanking her, I try to reason with her so she can recognize what she is doing wrong. In a way, I don’t want her to know what it’s like to be hit by a man. Call me crazy but I’m already thinking along those lines.”

Lanae said: “I grew up in a single-parent home with a strict mother who spanked me. With our daughter, I find I’m the same. If I say do something once or twice, the third time, my voice is going way up and she’s getting a spanking. I feel like I have to be on the defensive around my husband because I’m stricter. On a few occasions, he has stopped me from spanking her and that really bothers me. My husband knows I have the same intentions as he does. I’m not trying to scar her for life, I just want her to be clear about the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.”

Ann Pleshette Murphy: “It’s clear that you are both loving, thoughtful parents. And as you have learned — as together and like-minded as you may have felt before your daughter arrived — becoming parents ties us to our own childhoods, especially to memories of how our parents disciplined us. But the fact is, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline. Some children are better at controlling their impulses and only have to be told once what to do (or not to do). Others get so engrossed in what they’re doing, they appear ‘parent-deaf.’

“The key is to sit down together and talk about your daughter’s unique personality. It’s helpful to reflect on your daughter’s strengths, because you’ll probably discover you’re on the same page about a lot of things. Next, talk about the behaviors you want to change or improve. Try to be as specific as possible, because you can’t correct everything at once. Next, talk about some of the disciplinary tools you’ve employed in the past and whether they have been effective. There is no question that a swat on the behind may stop misbehavior in the short term, but research has demonstrated that spanking does not do much in the long term. Calvin, come up with some rules and consequences that you explain to your daughter and that you consistently reinforce.

“The most important thing to keep in mind is that you guys don’t have to parent exactly the same, but that you do need to work as a team when it comes to discipline.”

This article originally appeared on Essence.com.

Watch Annie’s tips and tricks for beating the back-to-school blues.

As the school year approaches, visions of smiling teachers, freshly-sharpened pencils and children waving from the school bus dance through my head. But the reality is that the back to school season can be a hectic time of year for Mom and Dad. Where are those school forms you need to sign? Does your daughter really need folders with the Jonas Brothers plastered on the front — won’t last year’s plain navy ones suffice? Your son often falls behind in his class reading within the first few months of school — should you alert his teacher now? I’ll be addressing challenges like these during a 30-minute blogcast on Tuesday, August 3 at 2 p.m. EST. I’d love for you to join the conversation. To register, click here.

Recently, I appeared on Good Morning America to debate the topic of spanking. I do not believe spanking is an appropriate or effective discipline method; years of research has shown that spanking increases aggression and is linked to depression. But I know a lot of parents out there disagree. Watch the segment here, and then I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments section below.

With summer in full-swing, I’m reminded of the first time my husband and I took our daughter on a summer vacation. She was only three months old. We headed south to spend a week in Florida. We packed a small suitcase for my clothes, an even smaller bag for my husband Steve and a steamer trunk for Maddie. Given the fact that her average outfit measured three by eight inches, we were, needless to say, taking no chances.

Anxious about the airplane flights, and the possibility of Maddie experiencing ear discomfort, I carted a carry-on bag containing several pacifiers, bags of powdered formula, extra bottles, and her five most entertaining stuffed animals. And, of course, there was the extra bag of diapers and related paraphernalia, not to mention the car seat, backpack and portable crib.

The only time Maddie cried was when I accidentally bumped her with one of the carry-on bags; in fact, her behavior throughout our vacation could best be described as angelic. She adapted to the climate change easily, seemed oblivious to the slight adjustments we made in her schedule, and took the airplane flights in stride.

Throughout Maddie and Nick’s childhood, we took them on several other trips, and in every case, our worst expectations were never realized. The seemingly endless car trips we took, despite warnings we wouldn’t make it past the first few hours, never devolved into total madness. In fact, on one very delayed plane flight, I noticed that the ones who whined and bellyached the most were the adults — not their kids. One man complained so loudly and incessantly about the cabin temperature that his seven-year-old son finally whispered, “Dad! Shhh. You’re making me embarrassed.”

Expecting our children to be bored, impatient, whiny and overtired on a trip is an excellent prescription for disaster. Planning carefully, thinking positively and taking our cues from our kids promises a far more successful family vacation. If you’re hitting the road this summer, don’t try to do too much. Plan some “downtime” — time to savor an exceptional sunset, get out of the car and inhale some clean mountain air, or linger at a local restaurant for another slice of homemade blueberry pie — because these are the moments you’ll remember when you flip (or scroll) through your pictures in the years to come.

You hear a lot of grumbling these days about how kids think only of themselves. It doesn’t have to be that way. Several studies show that altruism can start as early as 18 months of age, and kids who volunteer have better grades, fewer discipline problems and are less likely to abuse drugs, alcohol, or cigarettes than their more self-centered peers. Here’s how you can help them get started.

Charity begins at home. Early on, reward your child’s impulses to aid other people. Kids as young as 3 can sort silverware or help you with the laundry.

Know thy neighbors. Reach out to neighbors; work together to clean up a park or organize a giant yard sale to raise money for a charity. Adopt a grandparent in the area who may need assistance with grocery shopping or an occasional visit.

Pick a passion. Many adolescents have strong feelings about the environment, racial inequality or other issues that inspire social action. Their internet savvy makes it easy to find ways to make a difference. DoSomething.org lists opportunities for teens, and Serve.gov finds dozens of volunteer opportunities by zip code.

Watch Consumer Report’s guide to buying a safe crib.

As parents, we want our children to be healthy and safe, but we also want them to be happy. Ironically, our wish for their happiness can sometimes get in the way of our really listening. We put in our emotional earplugs and hope that a child’s complaints just go away. I remember a night when my daughter Maddie was about 9 years old, and having an unusually hard time falling asleep. I was tired — tired of telling her another story, fetching a glass of water, closing windows. So when she announced that she was afraid of ghosts, I almost lost it. But there was something in her face that stopped me. Instead of arguing, I suggested we get a midnight snack. It took a bowl of cereal and about 5 minutes to chase away the “ghosts,” which turned out to be understandable anxiety about starting a new school. I listened to her litany of worries and tried very hard not to dismiss them. Instead, I offered a few suggestions, gave her a hug and walked her back to bed. The French writer and philosopher Voltaire once said, “The road to the heart is the ear.” That night — and on many other occasions — I learned how critical it is to tune into our children, not only when they’re happy, but also when they’re not.