A few weeks ago, I posted a segment about spanking that ran on Good Morning America. It reminded me of another article I contributed to earlier this summer. Yolanda Sangweni, a writer from Essence.com, reached out to me and asked if I would help a couple who disagreed about discipline. Mom spanks, Dad doesn’t. Read my advice to the Conrads below.

While Lanae and Calvin Conrad, both 34, are on the same page about most things, their parenting styles differ tremendously and discipline, in particular, remains a thorny issue. She’s a disciplinarian who spanks, while he’s a “let’s talk it out” type of father. They shared their story with Essence.com and let parenting expert Ann Pleshette Murphy weigh in:

Calvin said: “I was raised with parents who had boundaries but also allowed me to discover the world around me. They never spanked me…okay, maybe a few times, but it wasn’t their only method of disciplining. When I had a daughter, I told myself that I would raise her with the same principles. Instead of spanking her, I try to reason with her so she can recognize what she is doing wrong. In a way, I don’t want her to know what it’s like to be hit by a man. Call me crazy but I’m already thinking along those lines.”

Lanae said: “I grew up in a single-parent home with a strict mother who spanked me. With our daughter, I find I’m the same. If I say do something once or twice, the third time, my voice is going way up and she’s getting a spanking. I feel like I have to be on the defensive around my husband because I’m stricter. On a few occasions, he has stopped me from spanking her and that really bothers me. My husband knows I have the same intentions as he does. I’m not trying to scar her for life, I just want her to be clear about the difference between acceptable and unacceptable behavior.”

Ann Pleshette Murphy: “It’s clear that you are both loving, thoughtful parents. And as you have learned — as together and like-minded as you may have felt before your daughter arrived — becoming parents ties us to our own childhoods, especially to memories of how our parents disciplined us. But the fact is, there isn’t a one-size-fits-all approach to discipline. Some children are better at controlling their impulses and only have to be told once what to do (or not to do). Others get so engrossed in what they’re doing, they appear ‘parent-deaf.’

“The key is to sit down together and talk about your daughter’s unique personality. It’s helpful to reflect on your daughter’s strengths, because you’ll probably discover you’re on the same page about a lot of things. Next, talk about the behaviors you want to change or improve. Try to be as specific as possible, because you can’t correct everything at once. Next, talk about some of the disciplinary tools you’ve employed in the past and whether they have been effective. There is no question that a swat on the behind may stop misbehavior in the short term, but research has demonstrated that spanking does not do much in the long term. Calvin, come up with some rules and consequences that you explain to your daughter and that you consistently reinforce.

“The most important thing to keep in mind is that you guys don’t have to parent exactly the same, but that you do need to work as a team when it comes to discipline.”

This article originally appeared on Essence.com.

As parents, we want our children to be healthy and safe, but we also want them to be happy. Ironically, our wish for their happiness can sometimes get in the way of our really listening. We put in our emotional earplugs and hope that a child’s complaints just go away. I remember a night when my daughter Maddie was about 9 years old, and having an unusually hard time falling asleep. I was tired — tired of telling her another story, fetching a glass of water, closing windows. So when she announced that she was afraid of ghosts, I almost lost it. But there was something in her face that stopped me. Instead of arguing, I suggested we get a midnight snack. It took a bowl of cereal and about 5 minutes to chase away the “ghosts,” which turned out to be understandable anxiety about starting a new school. I listened to her litany of worries and tried very hard not to dismiss them. Instead, I offered a few suggestions, gave her a hug and walked her back to bed. The French writer and philosopher Voltaire once said, “The road to the heart is the ear.” That night — and on many other occasions — I learned how critical it is to tune into our children, not only when they’re happy, but also when they’re not.

If you’re expecting baby number two (or three or four), it’s natural to be concerned about your first-born’s reactions to the new addition. You might be tempted to grease the wheels of sibling bonding by promoting the new baby as your big kid's "new best friend." Or you might think it wise to ask big brother or sister to help pick out names or to decorate the nursery. Not a good idea, says Beth Grosshans, Ph.D., author of Beyond Time-out: From Chaos to Calm, who recently appeared on my show to talk about welcoming a sibling.

“So much of the current parenting advice and the way current parenting experts are thinking blow a lot of these ordinary life events into big dramatic events,” Grosshans says. “And parents are getting so intimidated and scared that they’re prone to overreacting."

Watch the video below for Dr. Grosshans excellent advice about introducing a new sibling into your family — advice I wish I had followed when I was expecting my son Nick. To hear all about my guilt-fueled blunders, watch the second video.

(The picture above is my daughter Maddie meeting her brother Nick for the first time.)

Whether your child is 10 months old or 10 years old, it’s never too late to brush up on parenting basics. For this reason, I’ve listed five principles that I consider to be the foundation of great parenting.

Give yourself credit for small acts of caring.

My to-do list has amazing regenerative powers. For each "to-do" I slash off, two more magically appear in its place. But whenever I have a day that feels particularly unproductive, I take a second to remember Lego Man’s hair.  Yes, you read that right: I’m talking about the tiny piece of plastic that fits on Lego figures’ heads. I call this to mind because of an incident that happened a few years ago on a not-so-wonderful day. 

My son Nick was about six at the time and I was keeping him company as he took a bath.  I was sitting with my back to the bathroom wall, rewriting one of several to-do lists I had read and refolded so many times it was falling apart.  I was not a happy camper, a state of mind Nick picked up on, because he asked, "What’s the matter, Mom?"

 "Oh, nothing, honey," I lied. "I’m just frustrated because I didn’t get anything done today."

Nick looked at me as though I were insane and said, "What do you mean, Mom? You did a lot!"

"Like what?" I asked.

"Don’t you remember?" he said, "You found Lego Man’s hair!"

 "Lego Man’s hair?" I asked, stalling for time.  Then it came to me: the 15-minute search on hands and knees under his bed and behind his chair and in his sneakers for a yellow, lentil-sized piece of plastic.  When I found it, Nick rejoiced like some crazed archaeologist celebrating the discovery of the Rosetta stone.

Of course, I had not bothered to put "Find Lego Man’s hair" on my to-do list, just as I had overlooked dozens of kid-oriented tasks and favors and treats and games that had clearly brightened Nick’s day.  Filtered through his more appreciative lens, my desultory day looked down-right productive - even successful.

As moms, we rarely give ourselves credit for the countless acts of kindness we perform every day.  "Picked green stuff out of rice" or "played 30 minutes of an excruciatingly boring game" or "wrestled kids into snowsuits"  doesn’t make it into our daily agendas, so our "to-do" list seems despressingly un-done.  But when we spend a few extra minutes indulging in a little playtime with our kids or we make a special meal or share a laugh, we are accomplishing much more than we realize.  It’s the little moments that mean the most.