Dear Dana,

 

Guilt is endemic to motherhood. (I’m pretty sure Cro-Magnon Mom fretted about whether she was giving her toddler enough mastodon meat for dinner.) So my first piece of advice is mind your own guilt – don’t layer on feelings that may or may not be shared by your husband. He may, indeed, feel guilty that he can’t spend more time with your son, but he may also believe – as lots of fathers do – that being a good provider is an important part of his identity as a dad.  Working three shifts may be a source of pride rather than guilt, especially at this tough economic time when so many men are unemployed.

 

I would also explore your own feelings about his work hours.  You must miss him, too, and feel a certain amount of resentment that he’s away at work much more than during his student years. In any case, a good starting place would be to have a conversation with your husband to share your feelings and, more important, to see how he’s doing. Your goal is not to lay a guilt trip on him, but to talk about your family time and about your wish to find a way for him to spend more one-on-one time with your son. If your husband has weekends off, plan to hang out together – without the pressure of running errands or checking emails or even answering the phone. When my kids were little I felt the same guilt you describe — mine over the fact that we didn’t have enough family dinners together, which you can read more about in this post.

 

You’ve already experienced two very different schedules in your son’s short life; no doubt it will change again in the coming years. Parental relationships are built on more than how many hours are clocked. Fortunately, your husband was able to be with your son during his first year of life; the bond they formed during that time will sustain their relationship in the years ahead.