Dear Annie,

My son just barely turned 2-years-old, and we are starting to see the very normal behavioral patterns of a typical 2-year-old, where he is beginning to test us by not listening and throwing small tantrums, etc. He’s not by any means out of control or anything, but before he really begins to act out, I’d like prepare myself with some general advice on how to begin disciplining him now and being consistent. Up until this point, we’ve gotten away with simply explaining to him why/why not you do/don’t do something, which we will always continue to do. However, now that he can better understand and communicate, I’d like to introduce the more regimented types of discipline like, a “time-out” and/or “counting to 3…” which will let him know that what he is doing is not okay and he needs to stop and listen. I’d like to learn some good, consistent ways that we can practice helping him listen to us when he’s acting out. I’d also like to know how to introduce a time-out, when/if it’s necessary.

I believe it’s important to pick and choose your battles when they are this young, but when it’s something that truly needs to be addressed, I’d really like to learn how to be a good and healthy disciplinarian without resulting to shouting (because then, I just feel awful). Can you give me some tips on how to introduce this into our household and what type of reactions to expect from my son? I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you SO much! P.S. I’m so excited to have found your website!

Best,

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Your question is wonderful because you clearly understand the importance of anticipating changes and challenges in your son’s behavior. It sounds as though you’re doing a good job of talking him through the occasional meltdown or misbehavior, but you’re right to recognize that that won’t always work. In fact, you may find that a discipline method that worked beautifully one day may backfire the next. That’s because his ability to manage his emotions and control his behavior is subject to things like fatigue, hunger, or just having an “off” day. Tuning into his unique personality and trying to identify his strengths will be invaluable in deciding whether he responds best to a monitored “time out” or to other methods. Some children need help collecting themselves and so holding them in your lap (not always easy) and talking calmly until the cloud passes works very well. And a mom shared an idea with me recently that I liked: She created a “peace corner” in their house — a kind of cozy, tented space, where her kids were told to go when they were getting overly excited or upset. She says they now go there voluntarily whenever they need a little quiet tim

Of course, no matter what you use, the keys are clarity, consequences, and follow through. One technique I like is adapted from an excellent book called Beyond Time Out by Beth Grosshans. She suggests: 1) make simple statements in a calm voice: “Time to clean up” 2) repeat your request: “It’s time to clean up and this is the last warning I’m going to give you before you have to go to your room for a time out” 3) Explain why he’s going to his room: “I asked you to clean up twice. Now you have to go to your room” 4) Supervise the time out (I realize this isn’t always convenient, but you are asserting your authority by standing guard and being the one who decides when he’s calm enough to come out. Many parents are taught to say, “When you’ve calmed down, you can come out,” but that effectively gives the child the power to decide…5) Say calmly, “Ok. Now you can come out and clean up your toys.” I know this may not work every time, but if you are clear about which behaviors you want to change, provide appropriate consequences, and follow through (empty threats are like Kryptonite!) and share your approach with your spouse, grandparents, caregivers — you will be doing your son a big favor!

Good luck. And thanks so much for writing.

Annie

I love the Ask Annie segments that we produce for my show — hearing from parents is one of the best parts of my job. Recently, I received four questions from Moms and Dads fighting behavior battles. Watch the video below to see my answers to these questions:

• My child cries every day when I leave for work. What should I do?
• How do I get my kids to help with chores?
• What do I do when my 4 year old has a tantrum in a public place?
• How do we teach our daughter to stay seated at the dinner table?

Dear Annie,

Dear Annie,