Hi Ann,

My daughter is about to be 13 and is going through some major changes in her life. She just started middle school and overnight went from my little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around. I don’t know how much is normal growing up and distancing, and I don’t want to smother her, but I also need to be sure I know what she’s doing.

Are there any books you can recommended that I read for this age group? I have a son who is 14 but he hasn’t had the same dramatic changes.

Thanks in advance for any guidance you may have.

~Marci

Dear Marci,

Thanks so much for your email. There’s no question that the teen years are particularly challenging. As you’ve noticed, your daughter seems to have changed “overnight” from your “little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around.” To answer your first question, is this normal? The answer is absolutely! Teens often redefine themselves in direct opposition to their parents. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept. In fact, the change in her behavior may trigger feelings of resentment, loss, panic, and anger. In my book The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind, I counsel moms of teen girls to “let go of one’s self-image as a mom — totally — and remake that image just as your daughter is remaking herself.” That may mean finding new ways to connect with her — perhaps around a subject she’s interested in or a favorite TV show or movie — rather than by reminding her to write a birthday note to grandma. And it will also mean allowing her a little more freedom while still being clear about rules and consequences. Like a toddler, she may react to a firm no with a meltdown, but you should try not to cave, because she needs you steadiness and strength, which sends the message that you love her enough to set limits.

When it comes to books about parenting teens, one of my favorites is Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh. Another oldie but goodie is Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? by Anothony Wolf. And I have quite a bit about parenting teens in my book!

Good luck!

Annie

Dear Annie,

My 13-year-old son does not receive invites or calls from other boys in his school. He started a new school last year in the 6th grade. As an ice breaker, I had some of the boys he liked over to our home and have done so on two other occassions in 2009. Girls his age are always busy socially, and I encourage him to call the other boys. But how is that helping him when the phone remains silent and there is no intiative on the other boys’ end? Is this normal? He is well behaved and does great academically but does not have any buddies. Please let me know what we should do?

~Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,

The most important question to ask yourself (and your son) is whether he wishes he had more friends. Don’t assume he’s lonely or upset about his social life unless he’s indicated as much, because boys are not girls and they don’t always socialize the way we did when we were his age. Unlike girls, who may spend hours gabbing on the phone or hanging out together, guys tend to connect through activities, whether it’s sports or a band. Also, some kids are social butterflies by nature, while your son may be more of a lone wolf — not necessarily a bad thing at all.

You might try to meet or talk to a couple of his favorite teachers to ask how he socializes at school. Ask about specific kids he hangs out with, so you can mention them when you talk to your son. Instead of asking him directly, “Do you wish you had more friends? Are you lonely?,” talk generally about the scene at school. Ask about some of the guys you invited to the house; share your own childhood memories of 6th and 7th grades — often a difficult time. If he does open up and complain that he has no friends or that nobody likes him, ask him to name a couple of guys he would most want to get to know better. Then find out — perhaps from their parents — what they’re planning this summer or what they do extracurricularly. Getting him connected to even one kid may be the key to expanding his circle.

Dear Annie,

When my son was young, I had this perfect vision of his future teenage self and all his friends making our house the place to "hang out." Now that he’s 12 and quite popular, he only wants to go to other people’s homes. The last time his friends were over, I felt like I was intruding or embarrassing him every time I stuck my head in his room.

Kate

Dear Kate, 

A friend of mine recently admitted that she had actually suggested to her preteen and his friends that they stage a talent show.  "Was that totally lame?" she asked me.  I stood mute. I think she got the message.  When it comes to making your house a hangout for the pre-adolescent crowd, try Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak. If the guys deign to discuss the events of their day with you, you might check your horoscope to see if the planets have been realigned.  Otherwise, stock the fridge with marginally healthy snacks, sodas, and milk and stay out of their way. 

Of course, if you suspect they’re up to no good, knock and enter. Better yet, make your house rules clear - and that includes cleaning up the aforementioned snacks.  You’re not their maid and while you can’t expect scintillating conversation, you should demand good manners.  Whatever you do, for goodness sake don’t try kissing or hugging your son or any of his pals - even the ones you’ve known since birth.  This will send them all screaming from the house.  Do thank them for coming and tell your son how much you enjoyed having the guys around. 

Most important, accept the fact that your son is entering the stage when the mere presence of a parent is excruciatingly embarrassing. He may walk a few yards ahead of you or ask you to park a block away from a designated meeting place.  No matter how steely your ego, that hurts. But like many phases of motherhood, this too shall pass.  In a few years, he may even take you out to dinner and pick up the check!