Ann Pleshette Murphy » School

Does my son need more friends?

admin — Wed, 19 May 2010 18:51:38 +0000

Dear Annie,

My 13-year-old son does not receive invites or calls from other boys in his school. He started a new school last year in the 6th grade. As an ice breaker, I had some of the boys he liked over to our home and have done so on two other occassions in 2009. Girls his age are always busy socially, and I encourage him to call the other boys. But how is that helping him when the phone remains silent and there is no intiative on the other boys’ end? Is this normal? He is well behaved and does great academically but does not have any buddies. Please let me know what we should do?

~Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,

The most important question to ask yourself (and your son) is whether he wishes he had more friends. Don’t assume he’s lonely or upset about his social life unless he’s indicated as much, because boys are not girls and they don’t always socialize the way we did when we were his age. Unlike girls, who may spend hours gabbing on the phone or hanging out together, guys tend to connect through activities, whether it’s sports or a band. Also, some kids are social butterflies by nature, while your son may be more of a lone wolf — not necessarily a bad thing at all.

You might try to meet or talk to a couple of his favorite teachers to ask how he socializes at school. Ask about specific kids he hangs out with, so you can mention them when you talk to your son. Instead of asking him directly, “Do you wish you had more friends? Are you lonely?,” talk generally about the scene at school. Ask about some of the guys you invited to the house; share your own childhood memories of 6th and 7th grades — often a difficult time. If he does open up and complain that he has no friends or that nobody likes him, ask him to name a couple of guys he would most want to get to know better. Then find out — perhaps from their parents — what they’re planning this summer or what they do extracurricularly. Getting him connected to even one kid may be the key to expanding his circle.

Help! My daughter and I need a new homework routine.

admin — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 18:28:58 +0000

Dear Annie,

My almost 6-year-old kindergartener daughter complains that I "always want her to be the best in the class." She doesn't like it if I correct any of her homework, which I am required to review and sign. She also doesn't like it if ask her if she understands something she is singing. (I ask her that because she goes to an immersion school and learns in another language.) Is it me? Is it her? What can I do to change myself and/or how I interact with her?

~Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for this wonderful question. I hear from so many parents who struggle with wanting to help their kids but worry about pressuring them too much. You're wise to realize that the "dance" you get into with your daughter around schoolwork is making her uncomfortable.

My advice would be to back off for awhile. Change up your routine a little. When she gets home from school, if you usually tell her to do her homework, suggest you play a game together first. Then if and when she wants to do her homework, leave her alone and only "review" and sign. Don't correct her mistakes or question her work.

Similarly, I wouldn't worry about whether or not she understands the second language she's learning in school. Six year olds are amazingly adept at picking up another language, and if she is having problems, her teacher should be able to discuss that with you at your next parent-teacher conference. In fact, that's a great place to air some of the concerns you have.

Finally, if she complains that you want her to be the best, make sure she knows that you want her to love school, because she's such a great learner. Don't talk about the importance of doing well in school or being the smartest, because children her age can be very tough on themselves and perfectionistic. Similarly, if she does well in school, compliment her hard work, not the grade or award she received.

Annie

For more tips on helping your child with his or her homework, check out Annie's 5 golden rules of homework help.

My son can’t make friends

admin — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 20:56:15 +0000

Dear Annie:

My 7-year-old has trouble making friends. He tries to make friends, but other kids pay him no attention. And in all seriousness he is a nice child. He never argues with other kids, he’s not bossy, etc. I don’t understand, and it crushes me to know he plays alone every day. How can I help him? ~Kari

Kari,

I understand your heartbreak — some of my most painful moments as a mother have been experiencing vicariously my children’s sadness. But reading your question, I wondered whether your son is feeling the pain as much as you are. Has he said he wishes he had more friends? Or complained, “Nobody likes me”? In other words, some kids are temperamentally suited to enjoy being alone or to prefer the company of a single friend, rather than a bunch of pals. If you had lots of friends when you were his age, it may hard to realize that he’s got a different style of interacting.

In any case, you should definitely share your concern with your son’s teacher. He or she is not only a reliable observer of his social skills when he’s in the classroom, but could be an important ally in helping him make friends. For example, some kids are good at insinuating themselves into a group of peers; others need help learning social skills like making “small talk” or finding common interests or coming up with some icebreakers, all of which can be practiced at home. Having a few “scripts” at the ready (“I have an Iron Man shirt, too,” or “Who’s your favorite baseball player?”) might help him over this hump. Is your son involved in any after-school activities? Joining a peewee soccer league or music class could also expand his opportunities to make new friends.

Another way you can help is by setting up a one-on-one play date with a child from his class. Sometimes all it takes is one friend (especially a popular one) to get others to join the club. Finally, when you do sit down with your son’s teacher, ask if he’s being teased or ostracized in any other way. If so, that is something you and the school must address.

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

Helping with the college essay

admin — Mon, 26 Oct 2009 17:02:59 +0000

Tips for Supporting Teens with their Applications 

Dear Annie,

I have a 17-year-old daughter who is applying to college. She’s a great kid, but I’m really worried that given how competitive it is these days to get into a good school, she isn’t going to be able to get all her strengths across if she writes her essay herself. What’s your advice?

Melissa

Dear Melissa,

This is a familiar scenario for me. When my kids were seniors, I found it challenging to walk that fine line between guiding and goading, coaxing and co-authoring. And so do most parents I know. What makes supporting our kids through this process particularly tricky is that teens are not only willful and moody, but they’re also plagued by self-doubt just when they need to put their best foot forward.

I recently interviewed Elizabeth Wissner Gross, the author of Write Your College Essay in Less than a Day, and she had some excellent advice about how parents can help their kids with the essay portion of their applications. She says that the essay is critical because it’s how your daughter gets to distinguish herself from the pool of kids with the same GPA and SAT scores. Among her suggestions:

Wait to be asked for help. But in the meantime, talk with your daughter about her strengths, achievements – the high points in her life. Teens tend to think they have “nothing to write about” and that they have a “really boring life.” Parents, on the other hand, love to boast about their children’s accomplishments. Now’s the time to share those stories.

Too much honesty isn’t the best policy. The essay is not a place to tell a story of risky behavior (even if the outcome was positive). Colleges want interesting kids, but if your teen loves to bungee jump off buildings, she should maybe keep that hobby to herself.

The most important piece of advice I can give you is to stay positive. This is an undoubtedly stressful time for your daughter, and she’ll be grateful (even if she doesn’t show it) for your optimism.

For more useful tips, check out the interview below.

Handling homework hassles

admin — Fri, 23 Oct 2009 21:37:28 +0000

Dear Annie,

My five-year-old son has just started kindergarten, and his teacher tells us he has trouble completing all of his work. She said that she knows he is very smart and knows how to do the project but it takes him longer than the other kids to finish assignments. We notice this at home also when he is doing homework. He knows the answer but acts like he doesn’t know or just stares at the paper. What can we do to help him besides encouraging him and could this be something wrong with his thought process?

Page

Dear Page,

The fact that your 5-year-old has “homework” in kindergarten surprises and somewhat disturbs me, so I would start by talking to the teacher about the goals of these assignments. Sometimes teachers give homework because the children enjoy doing projects at home, but I do not think your son should be pressured at this young age to complete his homework. “Encouragement” can sometimes feel like criticism, so I would back off. Instead, see what happens if you announce after dinner that you’re going to do your homework; you can pay bills or read a book or do some kind of quiet paperwork. He will probably volunteer that he wants to do his homework, too. You can also play school; let him be the teacher and give you some homework to do. Then you can reverse roles.

In the meantime, I would keep in touch with the teacher to learn as much as possible about what she is observing in the classroom. I would also talk to her and to the school administrators about why homework is being assigned at this young age. In my opinion, kindergarten should be about digging in the sandbox, doodling with crayons, dancing, playing with blocks, and learning to get along with peers. What you want your son to feel is that school is fun – not a source of anxiety or pressure. That said, if the teacher has observed specific tasks that your son finds challenging and if you believe he may have a learning problem, then by all means consult a specialist.

For more on homework help, click here.

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