Ann Pleshette Murphy » Rituals and Routines

“How do I tame a tantrum?” and other Ask Annie questions

admin — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 16:34:03 +0000

I love the Ask Annie segments that we produce for my show — hearing from parents is one of the best parts of my job. Recently, I received four questions from Moms and Dads fighting behavior battles. Watch the video below to see my answers to these questions:

My child cries every day when I leave for work. What should I do?
How do I get my kids to help with chores?
What do I do when my 4 year old has a tantrum in a public place?
How do we teach our daughter to stay seated at the dinner table?

How can I get my son to sleep through the night?

admin — Wed, 10 Mar 2010 21:40:01 +0000

Dear Annie,

My son is 2 1/2 years old. He has yet to sleep through the night. He wakes up crying for milk. I’m past exhaustion, I can’t be up every hour with him anymore. What should I do? He also is not eating very much during the day. Do you think these are problems are related? How do I get him to eat more? Thanks!

~Emily

Dear Emily,

I’m sure you know that you are hardly alone in your nighttime misery; in fact, I must receive a letter a week from a parent desperately seeking sleep. Your toddler’s frustrating pattern should not be hard to correct provided you are willing to a) wean him off nighttime feedings; b) commit the time to reconditioning him to sleep longer at night; and c) let him cry a little.

Let’s start with the first challenge: At his age, your son should not need milk at night. If you are still breastfeeding him, it’s likely he is using you to soothe himself rather than for nourishment. The same goes for bottle feeding; he should be able to last from dinner or a bedtime snack until morning without supplemental milk. You also mention that he’s not eating a lot during the day. Two year olds do not eat a lot, which can drive their parents nuts – or lead them to imagine that they’re starving to death. Rest assured that even if your son grazes his way through the day, provided he isn’t consuming a lot of empty calories, he doesn’t need as much as he may have a year ago when his body was growing much more rapidly. If you are really concerned about his eating habits, by all means talk to your pediatrician.

You can eliminate nighttime feedings in one of two ways: Gradually or by going cold turkey. Either way, he’s going to resist and you are going to have to be calm and consistent. If you decide to reduce gradually the number and duration of the nighttime feedings, start by resolving to feed him just at, say, 3 a.m., but when he wakes up again, put a chair by his bed or crib and use your voice or a pat on the back to reassure him. Do not pick him up and nurse or bottle feed or you’ll be back to square one. Obviously, your goal is to then eliminate one of the nighttime feedings and then go to none – again, with alternative soothing techniques just to get him out of the habit.

Depending on his language skills, you may be able to tell him, “Tonight, you’re going to have some milk before bed, but then no more bottle until breakfast.” When he wakes up, you can sit by his bed or stand at the door of his room, telling him that it’s time to go back to sleep, but resist the urge to nurse him.

The absolute toughest part of this will be the first couple of nights, but if you (and your husband/partner) are on the same page and if you are committed to making the change, your chances of success are much greater. All of the experts I have ever consulted about kids’ sleeping habits say the same thing: consistency is key. If you go two or three days without caving and then you are too exhausted one night to follow through or your partner sneaks in and gives him some milk, you will sent the message, “If you cry long and hard enough, we’ll give you what you want.” So try to find a time (maybe a weekend), when you can be home and determined to establish a different — wonderfully different — approach to getting some much-needed sleep. Believe me, you’ll be doing your son a favor, too!

For more on sleep, check out the interview I did with Kim West, “The Sleep Lady.”

I also highly recommend Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep? and Jodi A. Mindell’s Sleeping Through The Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night’s Sleep.

Preserving family time despite Dad’s busy work schedule

admin — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:47:55 +0000

Dear Annie,

My husband and my 21-month-old son are on opposite schedules. Our son’s day is the typical toddler’s: awake from 7:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. with a nap from 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. With my husband’s second and third shift obligations, there are whole days where they don’t get to see each other.

I have horrible guilt that our son doesn’t get to see his father (I should probably mention that Daddy was in school and home all the time with our son for the first year-plus of his life). What can I do first to get over the sadness that baby usually only gets to see Daddy for 20 minutes a day? And do you have any ideas on how I can find more time for us to spend as a family?

~Dana

Dear Dana,

Guilt is endemic to motherhood. (I’m pretty sure Cro-Magnon Mom fretted about whether she was giving her toddler enough mastodon meat for dinner.) So my first piece of advice is mind your own guilt – don’t layer on feelings that may or may not be shared by your husband. He may, indeed, feel guilty that he can’t spend more time with your son, but he may also believe – as lots of fathers do – that being a good provider is an important part of his identity as a dad. Working three shifts may be a source of pride rather than guilt, especially at this tough economic time when so many men are unemployed.

I would also explore your own feelings about his work hours. You must miss him, too, and feel a certain amount of resentment that he’s away at work much more than during his student years. In any case, a good starting place would be to have a conversation with your husband to share your feelings and, more important, to see how he’s doing. Your goal is not to lay a guilt trip on him, but to talk about your family time and about your wish to find a way for him to spend more one-on-one time with your son. If your husband has weekends off, plan to hang out together – without the pressure of running errands or checking emails or even answering the phone. When my kids were little I felt the same guilt you describe — mine over the fact that we didn’t have enough family dinners together, which you can read more about in this post.

You’ve already experienced two very different schedules in your son’s short life; no doubt it will change again in the coming years. Parental relationships are built on more than how many hours are clocked. Fortunately, your husband was able to be with your son during his first year of life; the bond they formed during that time will sustain their relationship in the years ahead.

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

My four year old has started throwing tantrums

admin — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 22:38:23 +0000

Dear Annie,

My soon to be four-year-old daughter has started having horrible tantrums. This has never been an issue before. They are worse when she’s tired. She can’t seem to calm herself at all. Again, she’s always been a great self-soother. Over the summer we had a great deal of change in our lives (moving, grandma fell ill, I had to be away a lot) but that was several months ago. Is this a developmental thing or a hold-over from an over-stressed summer? How the heck do I deal with it? I don’t want to give in, but at the same time I worry about drawing too hard of a line.

~Lisa

Dear Lisa,

It sounds as though you have already pinpointed several possible triggers for your daughter’s meltdowns. As you have noticed, she often loses it when she’s tired – very typical for kids her age, who may have given up an afternoon nap, but still need some quiet time every day — or even a few minutes of shut-eye. These days, preschoolers often have very busy lives: fulltime school, extracurricular activities, playdates. Take a look at her schedule and make sure to build in some down time.

Given the other issue you mention – a tough summer – you might want to make some of that down time “Mommy-and-me” dates. Even something as simple as going out to breakfast together once a week or taking a walk after dinner or cooking can be a lovely way to connect. If she manages to make it through your date with no meltdowns, be sure to compliment her for being such a big girl. You can also use that time to talk about her tantrums. She’s old enough to begin to identify and to describe what it feels like when she gets worked up. Give her a pillow to punch or a breathing/relaxation technique to try (counting to 10, for example) when she gets frustrated or upset. But explain that you’re confident that she can handle her feelings in a different way.

If she seems to be deliberately acting out to get attention, then you’re right to try to avoid rewarding her meltdowns by fussing over her. Instead, just announce that you’re going to be in the next room, but that you are not going to listen to her screaming. Most important, continue to do a little detective work to identify what seems to set her off. Chances are she will outgrow this challenging period, but she will need your help to provide reasonable expectations and consequences – not for feeling frustrated – but for behaviors like hitting or throwing things or screaming. Like all preschoolers, she needs limits and consistency, so as much as you may be tempted to “give in,” I would urge you to stick to the rules, state the consequences clearly and calmly, and follow through consistently. I know that’s a tall order but it definitely will make her feel safer and less likely to pitch a fit or lose control.

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

How your to help baby fall asleep

admin — Mon, 19 Oct 2009 21:07:21 +0000

Dear Annie,

My 8-month-old baby will only fall asleep while nursing, making it almost impossible to get her to sleep in her crib. I am not against co-sleeping but I’m worried that it’s not safe, and I really want her in the crib for naps. Is crying it out my only option? Thanks!

Kelly

Dear Kelly,

Before I answer your question, I feel compelled to disclose that when my eldest, Maddie, was about your baby’s age, our bedtime routine consisted of nursing, rocking, storytelling, singing and then waiting until she was almost asleep before I placed her in her crib. If she protested, I would pat her rear end until my hand went numb, and when I saw her eyelids fluttering, I would drop to the floor and do this GI Jane-type maneuver out the door in order to avoid making the old floor of her room creak. And I was the Editor-in-Chief of Parents Magazine!

So, believe me, I know how hard it can be to find just the right sleep algorithm. The solution for me came one night when my husband Steve saw me crawling across the threshold of Maddie’s room and asked, “What the heck are you doing?”

When I explained he said,“There’s got to be a better way.” At which point I snapped, “Well, why don’t you try it?!”

The next night, he stepped in after I had nursed Maddie. She protested loudly, but he sat in the rocking chair, started to sing “Hey Jude” and soon had her in her crib, where she cried a little, but then quieted down. Of course, I had to deal with a bit of smugness from my mate, but it was well worth it.

What I realized later was that by handing Maddie off to Steve, I helped her dissociate sleep from the nursing-rocking-singing routine I had established. The same could work for you and your baby, because it’s clear that she associates sleep with breast-feeding.

If your spouse, partner or a friend/sitter can’t step in, then here’s an option. Wake your baby before putting her in her crib or monitor her sucking carefully so you can take her off the breast and put her into her crib while she’s still drowsy. If she cries – and she probably will – don’t pick her up right away. Use the now-familiar “Dr. Ferber” technique of staying nearby so you can pat her back a little, sing a lullaby or just whisper, “Shh, shh…You’re okay.” If you can, try this for a few nights or naptimes, extending the time you wait before interacting, you may experience the rush I’m sure Moses felt when he parted the Red Sea: Your baby will fall asleep on her own.

As far as your question about co-sleeping, there is a lot of debate about the family bed. But at 8 months, your baby will probably be safe in bed with you; whether you want her there or not is another question. As you probably know, getting her to move to her own crib later will prove difficult if she associates sleep with your bed.

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter’s Momformation blog.