Dear Annie,

My son just barely turned 2-years-old, and we are starting to see the very normal behavioral patterns of a typical 2-year-old, where he is beginning to test us by not listening and throwing small tantrums, etc. He’s not by any means out of control or anything, but before he really begins to act out, I’d like prepare myself with some general advice on how to begin disciplining him now and being consistent. Up until this point, we’ve gotten away with simply explaining to him why/why not you do/don’t do something, which we will always continue to do. However, now that he can better understand and communicate, I’d like to introduce the more regimented types of discipline like, a “time-out” and/or “counting to 3…” which will let him know that what he is doing is not okay and he needs to stop and listen. I’d like to learn some good, consistent ways that we can practice helping him listen to us when he’s acting out. I’d also like to know how to introduce a time-out, when/if it’s necessary.

I believe it’s important to pick and choose your battles when they are this young, but when it’s something that truly needs to be addressed, I’d really like to learn how to be a good and healthy disciplinarian without resulting to shouting (because then, I just feel awful). Can you give me some tips on how to introduce this into our household and what type of reactions to expect from my son? I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you SO much! P.S. I’m so excited to have found your website!

Best,

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Your question is wonderful because you clearly understand the importance of anticipating changes and challenges in your son’s behavior. It sounds as though you’re doing a good job of talking him through the occasional meltdown or misbehavior, but you’re right to recognize that that won’t always work. In fact, you may find that a discipline method that worked beautifully one day may backfire the next. That’s because his ability to manage his emotions and control his behavior is subject to things like fatigue, hunger, or just having an “off” day. Tuning into his unique personality and trying to identify his strengths will be invaluable in deciding whether he responds best to a monitored “time out” or to other methods. Some children need help collecting themselves and so holding them in your lap (not always easy) and talking calmly until the cloud passes works very well. And a mom shared an idea with me recently that I liked: She created a “peace corner” in their house — a kind of cozy, tented space, where her kids were told to go when they were getting overly excited or upset. She says they now go there voluntarily whenever they need a little quiet tim

Of course, no matter what you use, the keys are clarity, consequences, and follow through. One technique I like is adapted from an excellent book called Beyond Time Out by Beth Grosshans. She suggests: 1) make simple statements in a calm voice: “Time to clean up” 2) repeat your request: “It’s time to clean up and this is the last warning I’m going to give you before you have to go to your room for a time out” 3) Explain why he’s going to his room: “I asked you to clean up twice. Now you have to go to your room” 4) Supervise the time out (I realize this isn’t always convenient, but you are asserting your authority by standing guard and being the one who decides when he’s calm enough to come out. Many parents are taught to say, “When you’ve calmed down, you can come out,” but that effectively gives the child the power to decide…5) Say calmly, “Ok. Now you can come out and clean up your toys.” I know this may not work every time, but if you are clear about which behaviors you want to change, provide appropriate consequences, and follow through (empty threats are like Kryptonite!) and share your approach with your spouse, grandparents, caregivers — you will be doing your son a big favor!

Good luck. And thanks so much for writing.

Annie

I love the Ask Annie segments that we produce for my show — hearing from parents is one of the best parts of my job. Recently, I received four questions from Moms and Dads fighting behavior battles. Watch the video below to see my answers to these questions:

• My child cries every day when I leave for work. What should I do?
• How do I get my kids to help with chores?
• What do I do when my 4 year old has a tantrum in a public place?
• How do we teach our daughter to stay seated at the dinner table?

Often on my show, I answer questions from viewers. I recently tackled three excellent questions:

• How do I discourage people from kissing my newborn without offending them?
• How do I balance my child’s safety with her need to run around and explore her environment?
• How do I handle other mothers or caregivers who try to discipline my child?

For my answers, check out the video below.

Hi Ann,

My daughter is about to be 13 and is going through some major changes in her life. She just started middle school and overnight went from my little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around. I don’t know how much is normal growing up and distancing, and I don’t want to smother her, but I also need to be sure I know what she’s doing.

Are there any books you can recommended that I read for this age group? I have a son who is 14 but he hasn’t had the same dramatic changes.

Thanks in advance for any guidance you may have.

~Marci

Dear Marci,

Thanks so much for your email. There’s no question that the teen years are particularly challenging. As you’ve noticed, your daughter seems to have changed “overnight” from your “little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around.” To answer your first question, is this normal? The answer is absolutely! Teens often redefine themselves in direct opposition to their parents. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept. In fact, the change in her behavior may trigger feelings of resentment, loss, panic, and anger. In my book The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind, I counsel moms of teen girls to “let go of one’s self-image as a mom — totally — and remake that image just as your daughter is remaking herself.” That may mean finding new ways to connect with her — perhaps around a subject she’s interested in or a favorite TV show or movie — rather than by reminding her to write a birthday note to grandma. And it will also mean allowing her a little more freedom while still being clear about rules and consequences. Like a toddler, she may react to a firm no with a meltdown, but you should try not to cave, because she needs you steadiness and strength, which sends the message that you love her enough to set limits.

When it comes to books about parenting teens, one of my favorites is Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh. Another oldie but goodie is Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? by Anothony Wolf. And I have quite a bit about parenting teens in my book!

Good luck!

Annie

Dear Annie,

My 13-year-old son does not receive invites or calls from other boys in his school. He started a new school last year in the 6th grade. As an ice breaker, I had some of the boys he liked over to our home and have done so on two other occassions in 2009. Girls his age are always busy socially, and I encourage him to call the other boys. But how is that helping him when the phone remains silent and there is no intiative on the other boys’ end? Is this normal? He is well behaved and does great academically but does not have any buddies. Please let me know what we should do?

~Suzanne

Dear Suzanne,

The most important question to ask yourself (and your son) is whether he wishes he had more friends. Don’t assume he’s lonely or upset about his social life unless he’s indicated as much, because boys are not girls and they don’t always socialize the way we did when we were his age. Unlike girls, who may spend hours gabbing on the phone or hanging out together, guys tend to connect through activities, whether it’s sports or a band. Also, some kids are social butterflies by nature, while your son may be more of a lone wolf — not necessarily a bad thing at all.

You might try to meet or talk to a couple of his favorite teachers to ask how he socializes at school. Ask about specific kids he hangs out with, so you can mention them when you talk to your son. Instead of asking him directly, “Do you wish you had more friends? Are you lonely?,” talk generally about the scene at school. Ask about some of the guys you invited to the house; share your own childhood memories of 6th and 7th grades — often a difficult time. If he does open up and complain that he has no friends or that nobody likes him, ask him to name a couple of guys he would most want to get to know better. Then find out — perhaps from their parents — what they’re planning this summer or what they do extracurricularly. Getting him connected to even one kid may be the key to expanding his circle.

Dear Annie,

My two boys, 7 and 4, fight constantly! What can I do to control the situation when it gets out of hand?

~K.L.

Dear K.L.,

Having just spent the weekend with friends, whose 1-year-old yellow labs spent hours at a time biting, chasing, and barking at one another, I was reminded that siblings’ tendency to “fight” is probably hardwired. It’s also a really good way to get your attention. As tough as it can be, one of your most effective weapons can be to try to ignore as much of their fighting as possible. That said, I remember very well how difficult it was to ignore my kids, who — like your boys — are three years apart in age, when their battles got heated.

I did find a few strategies particularly helpful: When they fought over the TV remote or a video game controller or a toy, I simply told them I was turning off the TV or taking away the toy. That usually led to an “us against Mom” reaction that made it possible for me to say, “OK, you can have it back, but only if you can figure out a way to share it. Or I’m taking it away again.” When they fought in the backseat of the car, I instituted revolving seat assignment: Maddie got to choose one day, Nick the next. I also did pull over on more than one occasion until they calmed down. And then there was the phase when I charged them for nasty comments: 25 cents every time one of them called the other a name or said something mean. I also learned to read between the battle lines. When Maddie was about 11 and Nick was 8, they were in very different “places” in terms of their self-confidence and peer relationships. The result? Their fights escalated. What helped was making Maddie feel better about herself through some one-on-one time with me and with her dad and also through some extracurricular activities we set up.

By far the most important thing is to pay attention to those situations that are most volatile. If you know that they tend to fight most often right before dinner or when it’s time to do homework or when you’re waiting in a line, talk to them in advance and strategize some ways to make those challenging times easier: Ask them to prepare a healthy snack, play “school” and have one of them be the teacher demanding the other finish his homework (then switch roles); bring along a game they enjoy when you know you’ll have to wait.

As with any discipline issue, the key is to anticipate problems, warn your boys about the consequences of their fighting, and then follow through if they do it anyway.

Good luck! If it’s any consolation, I thought my kids would never be close. They’re best friends!

Dear Annie,

My son is 2 1/2 years old. He has yet to sleep through the night. He wakes up crying for milk. I’m past exhaustion, I can’t be up every hour with him anymore. What should I do? He also is not eating very much during the day. Do you think these are problems are related? How do I get him to eat more? Thanks!

~Emily

Dear Emily,

I’m sure you know that you are hardly alone in your nighttime misery; in fact, I must receive a letter a week from a parent desperately seeking sleep. Your toddler’s frustrating pattern should not be hard to correct provided you are willing to a) wean him off nighttime feedings; b) commit the time to reconditioning him to sleep longer at night; and c) let him cry a little.

Let’s start with the first challenge: At his age, your son should not need milk at night. If you are still breastfeeding him, it’s likely he is using you to soothe himself rather than for nourishment. The same goes for bottle feeding; he should be able to last from dinner or a bedtime snack until morning without supplemental milk. You also mention that he’s not eating a lot during the day. Two year olds do not eat a lot, which can drive their parents nuts – or lead them to imagine that they’re starving to death. Rest assured that even if your son grazes his way through the day, provided he isn’t consuming a lot of empty calories, he doesn’t need as much as he may have a year ago when his body was growing much more rapidly. If you are really concerned about his eating habits, by all means talk to your pediatrician.

You can eliminate nighttime feedings in one of two ways: Gradually or by going cold turkey. Either way, he’s going to resist and you are going to have to be calm and consistent. If you decide to reduce gradually the number and duration of the nighttime feedings, start by resolving to feed him just at, say, 3 a.m., but when he wakes up again, put a chair by his bed or crib and use your voice or a pat on the back to reassure him. Do not pick him up and nurse or bottle feed or you’ll be back to square one. Obviously, your goal is to then eliminate one of the nighttime feedings and then go to none – again, with alternative soothing techniques just to get him out of the habit.

Depending on his language skills, you may be able to tell him, “Tonight, you’re going to have some milk before bed, but then no more bottle until breakfast.” When he wakes up, you can sit by his bed or stand at the door of his room, telling him that it’s time to go back to sleep, but resist the urge to nurse him.

The absolute toughest part of this will be the first couple of nights, but if you (and your husband/partner) are on the same page and if you are committed to making the change, your chances of success are much greater. All of the experts I have ever consulted about kids’ sleeping habits say the same thing: consistency is key. If you go two or three days without caving and then you are too exhausted one night to follow through or your partner sneaks in and gives him some milk, you will sent the message, “If you cry long and hard enough, we’ll give you what you want.” So try to find a time (maybe a weekend), when you can be home and determined to establish a different — wonderfully different — approach to getting some much-needed sleep. Believe me, you’ll be doing your son a favor, too!

For more on sleep, check out the interview I did with Kim West, “The Sleep Lady.”

I also highly recommend Mary Sheedy Kurcinka’s book Sleepless in America: Is Your Child Misbehaving or Missing Sleep? and Jodi A. Mindell’s Sleeping Through The Night: How Infants, Toddlers, and Their Parents Can Get a Good Night’s Sleep.

Annie,

My daughter and her husband divorced within the last year and a half, and we are currently having a real problem with my eight-year-old grandson. He's been whining a lot and also always has to  be first or always win a game. If he's not first or does not win, he whines. He also spends a lot of time whining when he returns from a weekend with his father. My daughter is at her wit's end, and we would appreciate any insight you may have. Thanks.

~Nan

Dear Nan,

What your question tells me is that your grandson is desperate for the adults in his life to establish some clear rules and boundaries. Right now, the three people he loves most in the world – his mom, his dad, and you – are having a hard time getting on the same page (never easy after a divorce), and this lack of clarity is extremely stressful. (I don’t’ think it’s a coincidence that he is having particular trouble with following the rules of games – including losing graciously.)

As difficult as it may be for your daughter to co-parent with her ex, she needs to try, because your grandson’s whining – and other negative behaviors – are only going to get worse if his parents can’t come together to set clear rules and consequences. I realize how hard that can be, as I’m sure they both feel guilty and want to be his “favorite,” but they have a responsibility to support him by providing structure – which is really what discipline is all about.

One place to start would be to make sure he knows the difference between a whiny voice and the kind of tone you want him to use. Sometimes kids don’t really hear themselves. When he’s not whining, point out how nice he sounds, and ask him if he can hear the difference between a whiny voice and a nice voice. Demonstrate what you mean and then ask him to talk in a whiny voice and a nice voice. Most kids his age enjoy this “game” and get it right away. Then tell him that when he uses a whiny voice, you will not respond – and try very hard to stick to your guns. Tell your daughter to talk to her ex (or to email him) about the new rules regarding whining. And, of course, if there are other behaviors you want to work on, try to strategize solutions for your grandson's sake. If your daughter and ex-son-in-law can agree on certain routines and rules they want him to respect and if they can avoid bad-mouthing or blaming one another for your son’s negative behavior (e.g., deciding that the whining is much worse after a weekend with dad because dad isn’t doing a good job), I’m pretty sure the behavior will lessen.

One last point: Your grandson’s need to win or to be first is totally age-appropriate. I remember playing games with my son, Nick, when he was eight, and he always found ways to “explain” the rules to me so that he came out ahead! I found it worked to simply say, “Hey, Nick. I love playing this card game with you, but let’s say what the rules are and stick to them, or I’m not going to play.” And if you want your grandson to play without whining, make it clear that the game will be over if he makes a fuss about losing. Then put the game away if he starts to whine.

Dear Annie,

Dear Annie,