Ann Pleshette Murphy » Family Dynamics

“How do I tame a tantrum?” and other Ask Annie questions

admin — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 16:34:03 +0000

I love the Ask Annie segments that we produce for my show — hearing from parents is one of the best parts of my job. Recently, I received four questions from Moms and Dads fighting behavior battles. Watch the video below to see my answers to these questions:

My child cries every day when I leave for work. What should I do?
How do I get my kids to help with chores?
What do I do when my 4 year old has a tantrum in a public place?
How do we teach our daughter to stay seated at the dinner table?

My sons fight all the time!

admin — Fri, 26 Mar 2010 21:19:06 +0000

Dear Annie,

My two boys, 7 and 4, fight constantly! What can I do to control the situation when it gets out of hand?

~K.L.

Dear K.L.,

Having just spent the weekend with friends, whose 1-year-old yellow labs spent hours at a time biting, chasing, and barking at one another, I was reminded that siblings’ tendency to “fight” is probably hardwired. It’s also a really good way to get your attention. As tough as it can be, one of your most effective weapons can be to try to ignore as much of their fighting as possible. That said, I remember very well how difficult it was to ignore my kids, who — like your boys — are three years apart in age, when their battles got heated.

I did find a few strategies particularly helpful: When they fought over the TV remote or a video game controller or a toy, I simply told them I was turning off the TV or taking away the toy. That usually led to an “us against Mom” reaction that made it possible for me to say, “OK, you can have it back, but only if you can figure out a way to share it. Or I’m taking it away again.” When they fought in the backseat of the car, I instituted revolving seat assignment: Maddie got to choose one day, Nick the next. I also did pull over on more than one occasion until they calmed down. And then there was the phase when I charged them for nasty comments: 25 cents every time one of them called the other a name or said something mean. I also learned to read between the battle lines. When Maddie was about 11 and Nick was 8, they were in very different “places” in terms of their self-confidence and peer relationships. The result? Their fights escalated. What helped was making Maddie feel better about herself through some one-on-one time with me and with her dad and also through some extracurricular activities we set up.

By far the most important thing is to pay attention to those situations that are most volatile. If you know that they tend to fight most often right before dinner or when it’s time to do homework or when you’re waiting in a line, talk to them in advance and strategize some ways to make those challenging times easier: Ask them to prepare a healthy snack, play “school” and have one of them be the teacher demanding the other finish his homework (then switch roles); bring along a game they enjoy when you know you’ll have to wait.

As with any discipline issue, the key is to anticipate problems, warn your boys about the consequences of their fighting, and then follow through if they do it anyway.

Good luck! If it’s any consolation, I thought my kids would never be close. They’re best friends!

Help! My daughter and I need a new homework routine.

admin — Wed, 30 Dec 2009 18:28:58 +0000

Dear Annie,

My almost 6-year-old kindergartener daughter complains that I "always want her to be the best in the class." She doesn't like it if I correct any of her homework, which I am required to review and sign. She also doesn't like it if ask her if she understands something she is singing. (I ask her that because she goes to an immersion school and learns in another language.) Is it me? Is it her? What can I do to change myself and/or how I interact with her?

~Lisa

Dear Lisa,

Thanks for this wonderful question. I hear from so many parents who struggle with wanting to help their kids but worry about pressuring them too much. You're wise to realize that the "dance" you get into with your daughter around schoolwork is making her uncomfortable.

My advice would be to back off for awhile. Change up your routine a little. When she gets home from school, if you usually tell her to do her homework, suggest you play a game together first. Then if and when she wants to do her homework, leave her alone and only "review" and sign. Don't correct her mistakes or question her work.

Similarly, I wouldn't worry about whether or not she understands the second language she's learning in school. Six year olds are amazingly adept at picking up another language, and if she is having problems, her teacher should be able to discuss that with you at your next parent-teacher conference. In fact, that's a great place to air some of the concerns you have.

Finally, if she complains that you want her to be the best, make sure she knows that you want her to love school, because she's such a great learner. Don't talk about the importance of doing well in school or being the smartest, because children her age can be very tough on themselves and perfectionistic. Similarly, if she does well in school, compliment her hard work, not the grade or award she received.

Annie

For more tips on helping your child with his or her homework, check out Annie's 5 golden rules of homework help.

Preserving family time despite Dad’s busy work schedule

admin — Tue, 29 Dec 2009 20:47:55 +0000

Dear Annie,

My husband and my 21-month-old son are on opposite schedules. Our son’s day is the typical toddler’s: awake from 7:30 a.m. to 7:30 p.m. with a nap from 11:30 a.m. to 2 p.m. With my husband’s second and third shift obligations, there are whole days where they don’t get to see each other.

I have horrible guilt that our son doesn’t get to see his father (I should probably mention that Daddy was in school and home all the time with our son for the first year-plus of his life). What can I do first to get over the sadness that baby usually only gets to see Daddy for 20 minutes a day? And do you have any ideas on how I can find more time for us to spend as a family?

~Dana

Dear Dana,

Guilt is endemic to motherhood. (I’m pretty sure Cro-Magnon Mom fretted about whether she was giving her toddler enough mastodon meat for dinner.) So my first piece of advice is mind your own guilt – don’t layer on feelings that may or may not be shared by your husband. He may, indeed, feel guilty that he can’t spend more time with your son, but he may also believe – as lots of fathers do – that being a good provider is an important part of his identity as a dad. Working three shifts may be a source of pride rather than guilt, especially at this tough economic time when so many men are unemployed.

I would also explore your own feelings about his work hours. You must miss him, too, and feel a certain amount of resentment that he’s away at work much more than during his student years. In any case, a good starting place would be to have a conversation with your husband to share your feelings and, more important, to see how he’s doing. Your goal is not to lay a guilt trip on him, but to talk about your family time and about your wish to find a way for him to spend more one-on-one time with your son. If your husband has weekends off, plan to hang out together – without the pressure of running errands or checking emails or even answering the phone. When my kids were little I felt the same guilt you describe — mine over the fact that we didn’t have enough family dinners together, which you can read more about in this post.

You’ve already experienced two very different schedules in your son’s short life; no doubt it will change again in the coming years. Parental relationships are built on more than how many hours are clocked. Fortunately, your husband was able to be with your son during his first year of life; the bond they formed during that time will sustain their relationship in the years ahead.

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

How to handle a chatterbox child

admin — Fri, 13 Nov 2009 23:06:30 +0000

Dear Annie,

My 23-month-old daughter is very energetic and creative. Her vocabulary is very clear and I am very grateful to that. Because of her excellent speech comes her constant talking and woo haha I admit it gets overwhelming especially when she repeats mommy a thousand times. I love when she talks because I know she is learning but how do I prevent myself from going over board? Its odd that I enjoy her talking but at the same time her constant talking which does not stop is getting to me. So enough said how do I prevent myself from going crazy?

~Michelle

Dear Michelle,

The subtitle of my first book, The 7 Stages of Motherhood, was Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind, which sounds like the dilemma you’re describing. On the one hand, you want to boost your almost-three-year-old’s language skills and you appreciate her energy and enthusiasm; on the other, your little chatterbox occasionally makes you want to reach for the earplugs. Like most children her age, your daughter assumes that you share her sense of wonderment at everything. She doesn’t know – or really care – that you had a long day or forgot to pick up more milk; all she knows is that she’s discovering the world and you’re her favorite partner, teacher, coach, and conversationalist.

Lucky for you she is also at an age when she has the skills to enjoy the company of other children, so make sure to schedule some playdates. She is also probably more able to play on her own for longer stretches of time than she did just a few months ago. To encourage solo play at home, stock up on open-ended toys like blocks or Legos, tea sets or a miniature broom — all great props for pretend play. Make sure to have plenty of her favorite plush animals or dolls to populate her imaginary worlds (and give her someone else to talk to!). And keep an art box filled with crayons, stickers, coloring books, paper, and scissors on hand as an outlet for her blossoming creativity.

Are there certain times of day – I’m guessing the early evening hours – when her constant jabbering is particularly annoying? If so, see if you can enlist the help of a young person in your neighborhood. I found that preteens (11 or 12 year olds) were eager helpers and although I wouldn’t leave your daughter alone with someone that young, you can let them play – and converse – in one room while you do chores or just hang out in another part of the house. Scheduling a little mom time is always wise, especially when you have an energetic toddler at home, so try to get out once or twice a week to do something you enjoy. Just keep the story of your day to yourself when you get home. She may not want to hear all about it!

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter’s Momformation blog.

How to make your home teen-friendly

admin — Mon, 24 Aug 2009 20:42:14 +0000

Dear Annie,

When my son was young, I had this perfect vision of his future teenage self and all his friends making our house the place to "hang out." Now that he’s 12 and quite popular, he only wants to go to other people’s homes. The last time his friends were over, I felt like I was intruding or embarrassing him every time I stuck my head in his room.

Kate

Dear Kate,

A friend of mine recently admitted that she had actually suggested to her preteen and his friends that they stage a talent show. "Was that totally lame?" she asked me. I stood mute. I think she got the message. When it comes to making your house a hangout for the pre-adolescent crowd, try Harry Potter’s Invisibility Cloak. If the guys deign to discuss the events of their day with you, you might check your horoscope to see if the planets have been realigned. Otherwise, stock the fridge with marginally healthy snacks, sodas, and milk and stay out of their way.

Of course, if you suspect they’re up to no good, knock and enter. Better yet, make your house rules clear - and that includes cleaning up the aforementioned snacks. You’re not their maid and while you can’t expect scintillating conversation, you should demand good manners. Whatever you do, for goodness sake don’t try kissing or hugging your son or any of his pals - even the ones you’ve known since birth. This will send them all screaming from the house. Do thank them for coming and tell your son how much you enjoyed having the guys around.

Most important, accept the fact that your son is entering the stage when the mere presence of a parent is excruciatingly embarrassing. He may walk a few yards ahead of you or ask you to park a block away from a designated meeting place. No matter how steely your ego, that hurts. But like many phases of motherhood, this too shall pass. In a few years, he may even take you out to dinner and pick up the check!