Ann Pleshette Murphy » Emotional Development

“How do I tame a tantrum?” and other Ask Annie questions

admin — Sun, 10 Oct 2010 16:34:03 +0000

I love the Ask Annie segments that we produce for my show — hearing from parents is one of the best parts of my job. Recently, I received four questions from Moms and Dads fighting behavior battles. Watch the video below to see my answers to these questions:

My child cries every day when I leave for work. What should I do?
How do I get my kids to help with chores?
What do I do when my 4 year old has a tantrum in a public place?
How do we teach our daughter to stay seated at the dinner table?

“A stranger scolded my child!” and other Ask Annie questions

admin — Fri, 13 Aug 2010 21:31:20 +0000

Often on my show, I answer questions from viewers. I recently tackled three excellent questions:

How do I discourage people from kissing my newborn without offending them?
How do I balance my child’s safety with her need to run around and explore her environment?
How do I handle other mothers or caregivers who try to discipline my child?

For my answers, check out the video below.

Teen doesn’t want Mom around

admin — Wed, 04 Aug 2010 20:10:38 +0000

Hi Ann,

My daughter is about to be 13 and is going through some major changes in her life. She just started middle school and overnight went from my little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around. I don’t know how much is normal growing up and distancing, and I don’t want to smother her, but I also need to be sure I know what she’s doing.

Are there any books you can recommended that I read for this age group? I have a son who is 14 but he hasn’t had the same dramatic changes.

Thanks in advance for any guidance you may have.

~Marci

Dear Marci,

Thanks so much for your email. There’s no question that the teen years are particularly challenging. As you’ve noticed, your daughter seems to have changed “overnight” from your “little girl to a teen who doesn’t want her Mom around.” To answer your first question, is this normal? The answer is absolutely! Teens often redefine themselves in direct opposition to their parents. That doesn’t mean it’s easy to accept. In fact, the change in her behavior may trigger feelings of resentment, loss, panic, and anger. In my book The 7 Stages of Motherhood: Loving Your Life Without Losing Your Mind, I counsel moms of teen girls to “let go of one’s self-image as a mom — totally — and remake that image just as your daughter is remaking herself.” That may mean finding new ways to connect with her — perhaps around a subject she’s interested in or a favorite TV show or movie — rather than by reminding her to write a birthday note to grandma. And it will also mean allowing her a little more freedom while still being clear about rules and consequences. Like a toddler, she may react to a firm no with a meltdown, but you should try not to cave, because she needs you steadiness and strength, which sends the message that you love her enough to set limits.

When it comes to books about parenting teens, one of my favorites is Why Do They Act That Way: A Survival Guide to the Adolescent Brain for You and Your Teen by David Walsh. Another oldie but goodie is Get Out of My Life, but First Could You Drive Me and Cheryl to the Mall? by Anothony Wolf. And I have quite a bit about parenting teens in my book!

Good luck!

Annie

Whining woes

admin — Thu, 04 Feb 2010 21:04:05 +0000

Annie,

My daughter and her husband divorced within the last year and a half, and we are currently having a real problem with my eight-year-old grandson. He's been whining a lot and also always has to be first or always win a game. If he's not first or does not win, he whines. He also spends a lot of time whining when he returns from a weekend with his father. My daughter is at her wit's end, and we would appreciate any insight you may have. Thanks.

~Nan

Dear Nan,

What your question tells me is that your grandson is desperate for the adults in his life to establish some clear rules and boundaries. Right now, the three people he loves most in the world – his mom, his dad, and you – are having a hard time getting on the same page (never easy after a divorce), and this lack of clarity is extremely stressful. (I don’t’ think it’s a coincidence that he is having particular trouble with following the rules of games – including losing graciously.)

As difficult as it may be for your daughter to co-parent with her ex, she needs to try, because your grandson’s whining – and other negative behaviors – are only going to get worse if his parents can’t come together to set clear rules and consequences. I realize how hard that can be, as I’m sure they both feel guilty and want to be his “favorite,” but they have a responsibility to support him by providing structure – which is really what discipline is all about.

One place to start would be to make sure he knows the difference between a whiny voice and the kind of tone you want him to use. Sometimes kids don’t really hear themselves. When he’s not whining, point out how nice he sounds, and ask him if he can hear the difference between a whiny voice and a nice voice. Demonstrate what you mean and then ask him to talk in a whiny voice and a nice voice. Most kids his age enjoy this “game” and get it right away. Then tell him that when he uses a whiny voice, you will not respond – and try very hard to stick to your guns. Tell your daughter to talk to her ex (or to email him) about the new rules regarding whining. And, of course, if there are other behaviors you want to work on, try to strategize solutions for your grandson's sake. If your daughter and ex-son-in-law can agree on certain routines and rules they want him to respect and if they can avoid bad-mouthing or blaming one another for your son’s negative behavior (e.g., deciding that the whining is much worse after a weekend with dad because dad isn’t doing a good job), I’m pretty sure the behavior will lessen.

One last point: Your grandson’s need to win or to be first is totally age-appropriate. I remember playing games with my son, Nick, when he was eight, and he always found ways to “explain” the rules to me so that he came out ahead! I found it worked to simply say, “Hey, Nick. I love playing this card game with you, but let’s say what the rules are and stick to them, or I’m not going to play.” And if you want your grandson to play without whining, make it clear that the game will be over if he makes a fuss about losing. Then put the game away if he starts to whine.

I want my Mommy!

admin — Tue, 19 Jan 2010 21:17:51 +0000

Dear Annie,

My 2 1/2-year-old son can be very mean to my husband and in-laws. He kicks and yells at them, telling them to go away and not to talk to him and that only Momma can do anything. He acts like this for a little while after I leave, then he gets over it. I’ve been telling him it’s not nice and he’s hurting feelings. If I see it, I put him in time-out as I know he understands what he is doing. My husband and in-laws do the same. The majority of this acting out is not in my presence, so I’m at a loss as to what I can do to help stop these actions. Any tips or tricks to help get him over this phase would be great.

~Leah

Dear Leah,

Your toddler has reached the stage when his skill set is slightly out of whack. He’s walking (even running) and has much better muscle control (all the better to land those kicks!) and he can dash off and explore. But he’s still a little guy in a big, scary world, and when he feels anxious, he wants his Mom – now! Unfortunately, no matter how advanced his language skills, he can’t say, “Look, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, I really appreciate your attention, but I would prefer to have my mom at home.” Instead, he expresses his sadness and anger the way most toddlers do — by yelling and kicking and insisting, “Momma do it!”

What’s most important is that you and your husband and in-laws realize that he is not being “mean” when he lashes out. So telling him to be nice or trying to impress upon him that he’s hurting someone’s feelings probably won’t work.   Children can’t see someone else’s point of view until they are at least 4 or 5. Instead, when he’s upset, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye, and say, “I know you’re upset and that you want Momma right now, but there is no kicking or yelling. Dad will help you.” Then get out of the room while your husband deals with your son. Like you, he should empathize with your son, repeating that he knows he’s upset and that he understands it’s hard to say goodbye to Momma, but then, as quickly as possible, he should involve your son in something just the two of them do together — a particular game or toy that becomes part of their special routine.

The same goes for your in-laws. They should help him express what he’s feeling- – “You’re really angry!” or “It’s hard to say good-bye sometimes” – -but they should then just get him involved in a distracting game or book.   Also, when you know you’re going to have to leave, give your son some warning and get your husband or in-laws playing with him before you exit. Whatever you do, don’t try to sneak out. And, of course, when he comes around and behaves well, make sure your husband and his grandparents give him a big hug!

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

Bath-time battles leave me drained

admin — Wed, 13 Jan 2010 15:00:00 +0000

Dear Annie,

My two year old has become anti-bath. She’s never been keen on bathing, but over the last six months it’s become a real struggle. She starts to cry before I even turn the water on. We have tried baths with lots of toys, no toys, lots of water, little water, showers, bubbles, tub crayons, bathing suits, mommy getting in with her, sponge baths, using the big tub, using the baby tub, using the sink, and just about everything else you can think of.

Because of the struggle I only bathe her 2 to 3 times a week, which is okay since she doesn’t get real messy. (She likes to be neat and clean but hates to take a bath.) When we do put her in the bath we try playing and calming her down but then just end up rushing through it to get her out. It’s very stressful for all and I don’t know what else to try. Please help.

~Kate

Dear Kate, 

Like it or not, we live in a cleanliness-obsessed culture; in many parts of the world, children aren’t bathed more than once or twice a week and they do just fine.   So my first thought is, two or three baths a week doesn’t sound bad (assuming you wash her hands regularly). That said, bath time certainly doesn’t sound like fun for anyone in your household, so here are a few suggestions.

First, your bath battles – like food fights, sleep struggles, and other familiar toddler challenges – are probably more about her struggle to assert control over her life and less about a phobia or fear. Your daughter is at the age where she is probably wanting to “do it myself” in every arena from soaping her body to pouring her own cereal to wearing a bathing suit in the dead of winter. New skills and budding independence collide with her need for guidance and supervision (particularly around water!).

You might ameliorate this by giving her control elsewhere: Let her brush her own hair or pull her own shirt over her head (and if it’s backwards, leave it alone). Have you tried giving her a special baby doll that she can bathe? Give her a large plastic bowl of water and a washcloth so she can wash someone else – as well as get washed herself.   And perhaps let her watch you take a bath of your own sometime; seeing you happy and relaxed in the tub may inspire her to join in.

My gut tells me that the less of a storm you make this, the sooner it will blow over. Chances are good that this behavior – like many frustrating phases – shall pass. And by the time she reaches the teen years, you’ll be banging on the bathroom door for a chance to shower! 

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

My four year old has started throwing tantrums

admin — Fri, 04 Dec 2009 22:38:23 +0000

Dear Annie,

My soon to be four-year-old daughter has started having horrible tantrums. This has never been an issue before. They are worse when she’s tired. She can’t seem to calm herself at all. Again, she’s always been a great self-soother. Over the summer we had a great deal of change in our lives (moving, grandma fell ill, I had to be away a lot) but that was several months ago. Is this a developmental thing or a hold-over from an over-stressed summer? How the heck do I deal with it? I don’t want to give in, but at the same time I worry about drawing too hard of a line.

~Lisa

Dear Lisa,

It sounds as though you have already pinpointed several possible triggers for your daughter’s meltdowns. As you have noticed, she often loses it when she’s tired – very typical for kids her age, who may have given up an afternoon nap, but still need some quiet time every day — or even a few minutes of shut-eye. These days, preschoolers often have very busy lives: fulltime school, extracurricular activities, playdates. Take a look at her schedule and make sure to build in some down time.

Given the other issue you mention – a tough summer – you might want to make some of that down time “Mommy-and-me” dates. Even something as simple as going out to breakfast together once a week or taking a walk after dinner or cooking can be a lovely way to connect. If she manages to make it through your date with no meltdowns, be sure to compliment her for being such a big girl. You can also use that time to talk about her tantrums. She’s old enough to begin to identify and to describe what it feels like when she gets worked up. Give her a pillow to punch or a breathing/relaxation technique to try (counting to 10, for example) when she gets frustrated or upset. But explain that you’re confident that she can handle her feelings in a different way.

If she seems to be deliberately acting out to get attention, then you’re right to try to avoid rewarding her meltdowns by fussing over her. Instead, just announce that you’re going to be in the next room, but that you are not going to listen to her screaming. Most important, continue to do a little detective work to identify what seems to set her off. Chances are she will outgrow this challenging period, but she will need your help to provide reasonable expectations and consequences – not for feeling frustrated – but for behaviors like hitting or throwing things or screaming. Like all preschoolers, she needs limits and consistency, so as much as you may be tempted to “give in,” I would urge you to stick to the rules, state the consequences clearly and calmly, and follow through consistently. I know that’s a tall order but it definitely will make her feel safer and less likely to pitch a fit or lose control.

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.

My son can’t make friends

admin — Wed, 25 Nov 2009 20:56:15 +0000

Dear Annie:

My 7-year-old has trouble making friends. He tries to make friends, but other kids pay him no attention. And in all seriousness he is a nice child. He never argues with other kids, he’s not bossy, etc. I don’t understand, and it crushes me to know he plays alone every day. How can I help him? ~Kari

Kari,

I understand your heartbreak — some of my most painful moments as a mother have been experiencing vicariously my children’s sadness. But reading your question, I wondered whether your son is feeling the pain as much as you are. Has he said he wishes he had more friends? Or complained, “Nobody likes me”? In other words, some kids are temperamentally suited to enjoy being alone or to prefer the company of a single friend, rather than a bunch of pals. If you had lots of friends when you were his age, it may hard to realize that he’s got a different style of interacting.

In any case, you should definitely share your concern with your son’s teacher. He or she is not only a reliable observer of his social skills when he’s in the classroom, but could be an important ally in helping him make friends. For example, some kids are good at insinuating themselves into a group of peers; others need help learning social skills like making “small talk” or finding common interests or coming up with some icebreakers, all of which can be practiced at home. Having a few “scripts” at the ready (“I have an Iron Man shirt, too,” or “Who’s your favorite baseball player?”) might help him over this hump. Is your son involved in any after-school activities? Joining a peewee soccer league or music class could also expand his opportunities to make new friends.

Another way you can help is by setting up a one-on-one play date with a child from his class. Sometimes all it takes is one friend (especially a popular one) to get others to join the club. Finally, when you do sit down with your son’s teacher, ask if he’s being teased or ostracized in any other way. If so, that is something you and the school must address.

*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.