Dear Annie,

My son just barely turned 2-years-old, and we are starting to see the very normal behavioral patterns of a typical 2-year-old, where he is beginning to test us by not listening and throwing small tantrums, etc. He’s not by any means out of control or anything, but before he really begins to act out, I’d like prepare myself with some general advice on how to begin disciplining him now and being consistent. Up until this point, we’ve gotten away with simply explaining to him why/why not you do/don’t do something, which we will always continue to do. However, now that he can better understand and communicate, I’d like to introduce the more regimented types of discipline like, a “time-out” and/or “counting to 3…” which will let him know that what he is doing is not okay and he needs to stop and listen. I’d like to learn some good, consistent ways that we can practice helping him listen to us when he’s acting out. I’d also like to know how to introduce a time-out, when/if it’s necessary.

I believe it’s important to pick and choose your battles when they are this young, but when it’s something that truly needs to be addressed, I’d really like to learn how to be a good and healthy disciplinarian without resulting to shouting (because then, I just feel awful). Can you give me some tips on how to introduce this into our household and what type of reactions to expect from my son? I would greatly appreciate it! Thank you SO much! P.S. I’m so excited to have found your website!

Best,

Danielle

Dear Danielle,

Your question is wonderful because you clearly understand the importance of anticipating changes and challenges in your son’s behavior. It sounds as though you’re doing a good job of talking him through the occasional meltdown or misbehavior, but you’re right to recognize that that won’t always work. In fact, you may find that a discipline method that worked beautifully one day may backfire the next. That’s because his ability to manage his emotions and control his behavior is subject to things like fatigue, hunger, or just having an “off” day. Tuning into his unique personality and trying to identify his strengths will be invaluable in deciding whether he responds best to a monitored “time out” or to other methods. Some children need help collecting themselves and so holding them in your lap (not always easy) and talking calmly until the cloud passes works very well. And a mom shared an idea with me recently that I liked: She created a “peace corner” in their house — a kind of cozy, tented space, where her kids were told to go when they were getting overly excited or upset. She says they now go there voluntarily whenever they need a little quiet tim

Of course, no matter what you use, the keys are clarity, consequences, and follow through. One technique I like is adapted from an excellent book called Beyond Time Out by Beth Grosshans. She suggests: 1) make simple statements in a calm voice: “Time to clean up” 2) repeat your request: “It’s time to clean up and this is the last warning I’m going to give you before you have to go to your room for a time out” 3) Explain why he’s going to his room: “I asked you to clean up twice. Now you have to go to your room” 4) Supervise the time out (I realize this isn’t always convenient, but you are asserting your authority by standing guard and being the one who decides when he’s calm enough to come out. Many parents are taught to say, “When you’ve calmed down, you can come out,” but that effectively gives the child the power to decide…5) Say calmly, “Ok. Now you can come out and clean up your toys.” I know this may not work every time, but if you are clear about which behaviors you want to change, provide appropriate consequences, and follow through (empty threats are like Kryptonite!) and share your approach with your spouse, grandparents, caregivers — you will be doing your son a big favor!

Good luck. And thanks so much for writing.

Annie

I love the Ask Annie segments that we produce for my show — hearing from parents is one of the best parts of my job. Recently, I received four questions from Moms and Dads fighting behavior battles. Watch the video below to see my answers to these questions:

• My child cries every day when I leave for work. What should I do?
• How do I get my kids to help with chores?
• What do I do when my 4 year old has a tantrum in a public place?
• How do we teach our daughter to stay seated at the dinner table?

Often on my show, I answer questions from viewers. I recently tackled three excellent questions:

• How do I discourage people from kissing my newborn without offending them?
• How do I balance my child’s safety with her need to run around and explore her environment?
• How do I handle other mothers or caregivers who try to discipline my child?

For my answers, check out the video below.

Dear Annie,

My two boys, 7 and 4, fight constantly! What can I do to control the situation when it gets out of hand?

~K.L.

Dear K.L.,

Having just spent the weekend with friends, whose 1-year-old yellow labs spent hours at a time biting, chasing, and barking at one another, I was reminded that siblings’ tendency to “fight” is probably hardwired. It’s also a really good way to get your attention. As tough as it can be, one of your most effective weapons can be to try to ignore as much of their fighting as possible. That said, I remember very well how difficult it was to ignore my kids, who — like your boys — are three years apart in age, when their battles got heated.

I did find a few strategies particularly helpful: When they fought over the TV remote or a video game controller or a toy, I simply told them I was turning off the TV or taking away the toy. That usually led to an “us against Mom” reaction that made it possible for me to say, “OK, you can have it back, but only if you can figure out a way to share it. Or I’m taking it away again.” When they fought in the backseat of the car, I instituted revolving seat assignment: Maddie got to choose one day, Nick the next. I also did pull over on more than one occasion until they calmed down. And then there was the phase when I charged them for nasty comments: 25 cents every time one of them called the other a name or said something mean. I also learned to read between the battle lines. When Maddie was about 11 and Nick was 8, they were in very different “places” in terms of their self-confidence and peer relationships. The result? Their fights escalated. What helped was making Maddie feel better about herself through some one-on-one time with me and with her dad and also through some extracurricular activities we set up.

By far the most important thing is to pay attention to those situations that are most volatile. If you know that they tend to fight most often right before dinner or when it’s time to do homework or when you’re waiting in a line, talk to them in advance and strategize some ways to make those challenging times easier: Ask them to prepare a healthy snack, play “school” and have one of them be the teacher demanding the other finish his homework (then switch roles); bring along a game they enjoy when you know you’ll have to wait.

As with any discipline issue, the key is to anticipate problems, warn your boys about the consequences of their fighting, and then follow through if they do it anyway.

Good luck! If it’s any consolation, I thought my kids would never be close. They’re best friends!

Annie,

My daughter and her husband divorced within the last year and a half, and we are currently having a real problem with my eight-year-old grandson. He's been whining a lot and also always has to  be first or always win a game. If he's not first or does not win, he whines. He also spends a lot of time whining when he returns from a weekend with his father. My daughter is at her wit's end, and we would appreciate any insight you may have. Thanks.

~Nan

Dear Nan,

What your question tells me is that your grandson is desperate for the adults in his life to establish some clear rules and boundaries. Right now, the three people he loves most in the world – his mom, his dad, and you – are having a hard time getting on the same page (never easy after a divorce), and this lack of clarity is extremely stressful. (I don’t’ think it’s a coincidence that he is having particular trouble with following the rules of games – including losing graciously.)

As difficult as it may be for your daughter to co-parent with her ex, she needs to try, because your grandson’s whining – and other negative behaviors – are only going to get worse if his parents can’t come together to set clear rules and consequences. I realize how hard that can be, as I’m sure they both feel guilty and want to be his “favorite,” but they have a responsibility to support him by providing structure – which is really what discipline is all about.

One place to start would be to make sure he knows the difference between a whiny voice and the kind of tone you want him to use. Sometimes kids don’t really hear themselves. When he’s not whining, point out how nice he sounds, and ask him if he can hear the difference between a whiny voice and a nice voice. Demonstrate what you mean and then ask him to talk in a whiny voice and a nice voice. Most kids his age enjoy this “game” and get it right away. Then tell him that when he uses a whiny voice, you will not respond – and try very hard to stick to your guns. Tell your daughter to talk to her ex (or to email him) about the new rules regarding whining. And, of course, if there are other behaviors you want to work on, try to strategize solutions for your grandson's sake. If your daughter and ex-son-in-law can agree on certain routines and rules they want him to respect and if they can avoid bad-mouthing or blaming one another for your son’s negative behavior (e.g., deciding that the whining is much worse after a weekend with dad because dad isn’t doing a good job), I’m pretty sure the behavior will lessen.

One last point: Your grandson’s need to win or to be first is totally age-appropriate. I remember playing games with my son, Nick, when he was eight, and he always found ways to “explain” the rules to me so that he came out ahead! I found it worked to simply say, “Hey, Nick. I love playing this card game with you, but let’s say what the rules are and stick to them, or I’m not going to play.” And if you want your grandson to play without whining, make it clear that the game will be over if he makes a fuss about losing. Then put the game away if he starts to whine.

Dear Annie,

Dear Annie,

Dear Annie,

Reminding my kids (6 and 8 years old) to help with chores, whether it’s cleaning up their rooms or helping with dinner, is a nightmare.  They whine and "why" me to death. I hear myself saying things I swore I’d never say, like "Because I said so!" But bargaining for every tiny task is driving me crazy.

Sarah

Dear Sarah, 

Before you can change your kids’ behavior, you need to take a good, hard look at your own.  Are you consistent and calm?  Do you phrase requests in an authoritative voice or is there a question mark at the end of every sentence? Do you keep your requests short and sweet or do you tend to engage in long harangues that inspire parent-deafness?  

Let’s start with the first challenge: Consistency.  Many of us (notice that I’m including myself here) miss opportunities to make chores part of the family routine.  If setting the table is one of the kids’ "jobs" every single time you eat together as a family, then it should not be necessary to nag one of them to lend a hand.  You should simply say calmly and firmly, "Time to set the table" and whoever did it last can smirk at his/her sibling while that child hops to.

The same approach should apply to anything you want the kids to do. Give them a 15-minute warning before insisting they start on a chore, since no one, including adults, likes to be interrupted in the middle of a fun activity to go clean their rooms. If their clothes are all over the floor of their room, just state what you want: "Your clothes go in your bureau. Thanks!"  Avoid lectures about how much the clothes cost, how they wind up in the laundry when they leave them on the floor, how there are poor children all over the world who don’t have clothes…Don’t let the kids wear you down.  If they give you 19 reasons why they shouldn’t make their beds and you cave on the 20^th reason, they’ll only learn that 20 is the magic number. That’s a lesson you want to avoid at all costs.

And If a miracle happens and your kids volunteer to do something or attend to a chore without being nagged, be sure to acknowledge their good behavior with a specific statement, like "Thanks for listening the first time I asked. That really helps me out." Or "I really appreciated they way you did that without an argument."

Since you have two children relatively close in age, I’m betting that you are also dealing with what I call "the fairness wars." You likely often hear complaints like "Why do I have to do it? I did it yesterday!" Or "David never has to clear the table!" If that’s the case, you might want to implement some sort of chore chart or system that leaves some of the delegating to chance. For example, have them draw straws to see who gets what chore. Or you can try a rotational system, where each task changes hands each week, and everyone does each chore at one point or another.