Dear Annie,
My 13-year-old son does not receive invites or calls from other boys in his school. He started a new school last year in the 6th grade. As an ice breaker, I had some of the boys he liked over to our home and have done so on two other occassions in 2009. Girls his age are always busy socially, and I encourage him to call the other boys. But how is that helping him when the phone remains silent and there is no intiative on the other boys’ end? Is this normal? He is well behaved and does great academically but does not have any buddies. Please let me know what we should do?
~Suzanne
Dear Suzanne,
The most important question to ask yourself (and your son) is whether he wishes he had more friends. Don’t assume he’s lonely or upset about his social life unless he’s indicated as much, because boys are not girls and they don’t always socialize the way we did when we were his age. Unlike girls, who may spend hours gabbing on the phone or hanging out together, guys tend to connect through activities, whether it’s sports or a band. Also, some kids are social butterflies by nature, while your son may be more of a lone wolf — not necessarily a bad thing at all.
You might try to meet or talk to a couple of his favorite teachers to ask how he socializes at school. Ask about specific kids he hangs out with, so you can mention them when you talk to your son. Instead of asking him directly, “Do you wish you had more friends? Are you lonely?,” talk generally about the scene at school. Ask about some of the guys you invited to the house; share your own childhood memories of 6th and 7th grades — often a difficult time. If he does open up and complain that he has no friends or that nobody likes him, ask him to name a couple of guys he would most want to get to know better. Then find out — perhaps from their parents — what they’re planning this summer or what they do extracurricularly. Getting him connected to even one kid may be the key to expanding his circle.
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Having successfully raised a son, I can tell you that if left to themselves, boys NEVER natually develop phone relationships with one another. With boys, play just happens! Enroll your son in a boy’s team or group activity (sports, church group, chess club, art class)…whatever his interests are. Friendships will naturally occur around his interests!