Dear Annie,
My two boys, 7 and 4, fight constantly! What can I do to control the situation when it gets out of hand?
~K.L.
Dear K.L.,
Having just spent the weekend with friends, whose 1-year-old yellow labs spent hours at a time biting, chasing, and barking at one another, I was reminded that siblings’ tendency to “fight” is probably hardwired. It’s also a really good way to get your attention. As tough as it can be, one of your most effective weapons can be to try to ignore as much of their fighting as possible. That said, I remember very well how difficult it was to ignore my kids, who — like your boys — are three years apart in age, when their battles got heated.
I did find a few strategies particularly helpful: When they fought over the TV remote or a video game controller or a toy, I simply told them I was turning off the TV or taking away the toy. That usually led to an “us against Mom” reaction that made it possible for me to say, “OK, you can have it back, but only if you can figure out a way to share it. Or I’m taking it away again.” When they fought in the backseat of the car, I instituted revolving seat assignment: Maddie got to choose one day, Nick the next. I also did pull over on more than one occasion until they calmed down. And then there was the phase when I charged them for nasty comments: 25 cents every time one of them called the other a name or said something mean. I also learned to read between the battle lines. When Maddie was about 11 and Nick was 8, they were in very different “places” in terms of their self-confidence and peer relationships. The result? Their fights escalated. What helped was making Maddie feel better about herself through some one-on-one time with me and with her dad and also through some extracurricular activities we set up.
By far the most important thing is to pay attention to those situations that are most volatile. If you know that they tend to fight most often right before dinner or when it’s time to do homework or when you’re waiting in a line, talk to them in advance and strategize some ways to make those challenging times easier: Ask them to prepare a healthy snack, play “school” and have one of them be the teacher demanding the other finish his homework (then switch roles); bring along a game they enjoy when you know you’ll have to wait.
As with any discipline issue, the key is to anticipate problems, warn your boys about the consequences of their fighting, and then follow through if they do it anyway.
Good luck! If it’s any consolation, I thought my kids would never be close. They’re best friends!
