Annie,
My daughter and her husband divorced within the last year and a half, and we are currently having a real problem with my eight-year-old grandson. He's been whining a lot and also always has to be first or always win a game. If he's not first or does not win, he whines. He also spends a lot of time whining when he returns from a weekend with his father. My daughter is at her wit's end, and we would appreciate any insight you may have. Thanks.
~Nan
Dear Nan,
What your question tells me is that your grandson is desperate for the adults in his life to establish some clear rules and boundaries. Right now, the three people he loves most in the world – his mom, his dad, and you – are having a hard time getting on the same page (never easy after a divorce), and this lack of clarity is extremely stressful. (I don’t’ think it’s a coincidence that he is having particular trouble with following the rules of games – including losing graciously.)
As difficult as it may be for your daughter to co-parent with her ex, she needs to try, because your grandson’s whining – and other negative behaviors – are only going to get worse if his parents can’t come together to set clear rules and consequences. I realize how hard that can be, as I’m sure they both feel guilty and want to be his “favorite,” but they have a responsibility to support him by providing structure – which is really what discipline is all about.
One place to start would be to make sure he knows the difference between a whiny voice and the kind of tone you want him to use. Sometimes kids don’t really hear themselves. When he’s not whining, point out how nice he sounds, and ask him if he can hear the difference between a whiny voice and a nice voice. Demonstrate what you mean and then ask him to talk in a whiny voice and a nice voice. Most kids his age enjoy this “game” and get it right away. Then tell him that when he uses a whiny voice, you will not respond – and try very hard to stick to your guns. Tell your daughter to talk to her ex (or to email him) about the new rules regarding whining. And, of course, if there are other behaviors you want to work on, try to strategize solutions for your grandson's sake. If your daughter and ex-son-in-law can agree on certain routines and rules they want him to respect and if they can avoid bad-mouthing or blaming one another for your son’s negative behavior (e.g., deciding that the whining is much worse after a weekend with dad because dad isn’t doing a good job), I’m pretty sure the behavior will lessen.
One last point: Your grandson’s need to win or to be first is totally age-appropriate. I remember playing games with my son, Nick, when he was eight, and he always found ways to “explain” the rules to me so that he came out ahead! I found it worked to simply say, “Hey, Nick. I love playing this card game with you, but let’s say what the rules are and stick to them, or I’m not going to play.” And if you want your grandson to play without whining, make it clear that the game will be over if he makes a fuss about losing. Then put the game away if he starts to whine.
