I confess: When my firstborn was a baby, I occasionally wore the hat of helicopter parent. She would get frustrated or stuck or fussy, and I would swoop in to “save” her.
But then, one day, a wise friend – an elderly Viennese psychologist – was visiting and we were watching Maddie together. She had just learned to crawl and she managed to get under a chair, sit up, and then panic when she could not figure out how to get back out. I was about to rush over and remove the chair when my friend said, “No, let her do it. You tell her what to do. You’ll see.” Maddie seemed on the verge of tears, and I was not buying this seemingly sadistic approach — but I got down to Maddie’s eye level and I told her to bend forward and crawl to me. Sure enough, she leaned down like a little Yoga master and crawled out and I wish I had had a camera to capture the smile on her face. That amazing “I DID IT!” expression stayed with me. I realized how important it is to let kids muscle through tough times, to experience frustration in order to taste the sweet satisfaction of having done it themselves.
Of course, just as helicopter parenting can deprive children of opportunities to take risks and learn from their mistakes, the other extreme – letting kids fend for themselves (sometimes called “free-range parenting”) carries other risks. How do we strike the right balance? Lesli Doares, founder of BalancedFamily.com appeared on my show a few weeks ago to discuss this very important challenge.
