Dear Annie,
My 2 1/2-year-old son can be very mean to my husband and in-laws. He kicks and yells at them, telling them to go away and not to talk to him and that only Momma can do anything. He acts like this for a little while after I leave, then he gets over it. I’ve been telling him it’s not nice and he’s hurting feelings. If I see it, I put him in time-out as I know he understands what he is doing. My husband and in-laws do the same. The majority of this acting out is not in my presence, so I’m at a loss as to what I can do to help stop these actions. Any tips or tricks to help get him over this phase would be great.
~Leah
Dear Leah,
Your toddler has reached the stage when his skill set is slightly out of whack. He’s walking (even running) and has much better muscle control (all the better to land those kicks!) and he can dash off and explore. But he’s still a little guy in a big, scary world, and when he feels anxious, he wants his Mom – now! Unfortunately, no matter how advanced his language skills, he can’t say, “Look, Dad, Grandma, Grandpa, I really appreciate your attention, but I would prefer to have my mom at home.” Instead, he expresses his sadness and anger the way most toddlers do — by yelling and kicking and insisting, “Momma do it!”
What’s most important is that you and your husband and in-laws realize that he is not being “mean” when he lashes out. So telling him to be nice or trying to impress upon him that he’s hurting someone’s feelings probably won’t work.
Children can’t see someone else’s point of view until they are at least 4 or 5. Instead, when he’s upset, put your hands on his shoulders, look him in the eye, and say, “I know you’re upset and that you want Momma right now, but there is no kicking or yelling. Dad will help you.” Then get out of the room while your husband deals with your son. Like you, he should empathize with your son, repeating that he knows he’s upset and that he understands it’s hard to say goodbye to Momma, but then, as quickly as possible, he should involve your son in something just the two of them do together — a particular game or toy that becomes part of their special routine.
The same goes for your in-laws. They should help him express what he’s feeling- – “You’re really angry!” or “It’s hard to say good-bye sometimes” – -but they should then just get him involved in a distracting game or book.
Also, when you know you’re going to have to leave, give your son some warning and get your husband or in-laws playing with him before you exit. Whatever you do, don’t try to sneak out. And, of course, when he comes around and behaves well, make sure your husband and his grandparents give him a big hug!
*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.
