Dear Annie:
My 7-year-old has trouble making friends. He tries to make friends, but other kids pay him no attention. And in all seriousness he is a nice child. He never argues with other kids, he’s not bossy, etc. I don’t understand, and it crushes me to know he plays alone every day. How can I help him? ~Kari
Kari,
I understand your heartbreak — some of my most painful moments as a mother have been experiencing vicariously my children’s sadness. But reading your question, I wondered whether your son is feeling the pain as much as you are. Has he said he wishes he had more friends? Or complained, “Nobody likes me”? In other words, some kids are temperamentally suited to enjoy being alone or to prefer the company of a single friend, rather than a bunch of pals. If you had lots of friends when you were his age, it may hard to realize that he’s got a different style of interacting.
In any case, you should definitely share your concern with your son’s teacher. He or she is not only a reliable observer of his social skills when he’s in the classroom, but could be an important ally in helping him make friends. For example, some kids are good at insinuating themselves into a group of peers; others need help learning social skills like making “small talk” or finding common interests or coming up with some icebreakers, all of which can be practiced at home. Having a few “scripts” at the ready (“I have an Iron Man shirt, too,” or “Who’s your favorite baseball player?”) might help him over this hump. Is your son involved in any after-school activities? Joining a peewee soccer league or music class could also expand his opportunities to make new friends.
Another way you can help is by setting up a one-on-one play date with a child from his class. Sometimes all it takes is one friend (especially a popular one) to get others to join the club. Finally, when you do sit down with your son’s teacher, ask if he’s being teased or ostracized in any other way. If so, that is something you and the school must address.
*This question originally appeared on Babycenter's Momformation blog.
