Dear Annie,
When my three-year-old daughter wakes up in the middle of the night, she always crawls into bed with my husband and me. We want to break this habit, but I don’t look forward to the nightly drama that I’m sure will ensue if we make her stick out the night in her own room. Any suggestions?
Beverly
Dear Beverly,
You are not alone. According to the National Sleep Foundation, more than 10 percent of parents let their kids crawl into Mom and Dad’s bed if they wake up in the middle of the night. When my daughter Madeleine was little, I would spend hours getting her to sleep before crawling out of the room on my hands and knees to keep the floor from creaking.
Ever since I’ve been collecting tips from parents and sleep experts -and here are a few of my favorites
- Try setting up a mattress for your daughter to sleep on at the foot of your bed, then move it each day a little closer to the door and eventually into her room. Alternatively, you can set up a pallet on her floor and gradually move down the hall.
- Don’t reward negative behavior by running every time she cries; instead, tell her that you’ll come check on her every 10 minutes as long as she’s quiet (but be sure to keep your promise).
- Do reward her positive behavior by setting up a sleep chart. For nights when she manages to stay in her bed, she earns a star on the calendar. A week’s worth of stars earns her a special treat - a small gift or date with Mom or Dad alone.
- Remember, change doesn’t happen over night. In fact changing sleep patterns may take up to four weeks. So be patient, but consistent.
- Think empowerment, not punishment. Although your daughter is not going to thank you for forcing her to stay in her room, you are doing her a favor by teaching her to soothe herself. When we give our children opportunities to tolerate frustration or even a little sadness, we are empowering, not punishing, them.
{ 7 comments… read them below or add one }
Annie- How do I know when my daughter (2 1/2) is ready to go into a bed. I hear that it’s best to keep them in their crib as long as possible? Thanks.
I found it is vital for you and your husband or partner to be on the same page. I ended up having to practically sit on my husband sometimes to stop him going into our daughters room at the slightest peep.
It was a very stressful time , but we are so pleased we went through it, now she tells us when it is bed time and goes to bed quite happily.
I am going through hell with my son at the moment, every night he climbs into bed with us. we’ve tried everything to get him to stay in his own bed. Some times we have to return him 5 or 6 times before he settles down. This is certainly the biggest challenge we’ve faced. Thanks for the advice
When my daughters would climb in bed with me in the middle of the night I would simply pick them up, take them back to their room and let them know that that is where they needed to sleep. I even turned on a night light and gave them a HUGE stuffed animal to sleep with.
I know it sounds weird but one other suggestion I can make is to get a Huge teddy bear, wear one of your shirts for a little while, then put it on the bear.
Its funny but kids (like animals) sometimes are comforted by the “smell” of their parent. If the thought of that creeps you out, put some of your perfume on the shirt instead.
You can also get a bear that has a “heart” inside it. Sometimes that’s all a child really needs is to hear a heartbeat. Makes them think they are not alone in the room.
This is something that was never a problem for my oldest daughter. Now we have a two year old who gets out of bed and comes on mommy’s side of the bed to sleep. She know my husband won’t realize she is there and by the time that he does it is almost time to get up.
It has been a little struggle for us but we are looking forward to changing this very soon before it gets too late.
Marsha- that’s a great idea! I’ll have to tell my sister about that strategy.
When my daughter was 3 she would get up every night and come to our bed. I finally set up a chart of 21 days. The goal was for her to stay in her bed for 21 days in a row and then she would earn a reward. If she messed up we started over at day 1. I don’t remember the exact reward, but it was something that she really wanted (nothing very expensive). She finally made it the 21 days, because the reward motivated her. After the 21 days, it was ‘normal’ for her to stay in her bed so we broke the habit of getting up every night.