Dear Annie,
Reminding my kids (6 and 8 years old) to help with chores, whether it’s cleaning up their rooms or helping with dinner, is a nightmare. They whine and "why" me to death. I hear myself saying things I swore I’d never say, like "Because I said so!" But bargaining for every tiny task is driving me crazy.
Sarah
Dear Sarah,
Before you can change your kids’ behavior, you need to take a good, hard look at your own. Are you consistent and calm? Do you phrase requests in an authoritative voice or is there a question mark at the end of every sentence? Do you keep your requests short and sweet or do you tend to engage in long harangues that inspire parent-deafness?
Let’s start with the first challenge: Consistency. Many of us (notice that I’m including myself here) miss opportunities to make chores part of the family routine. If setting the table is one of the kids’ "jobs" every single time you eat together as a family, then it should not be necessary to nag one of them to lend a hand. You should simply say calmly and firmly, "Time to set the table" and whoever did it last can smirk at his/her sibling while that child hops to.
The same approach should apply to anything you want the kids to do. Give them a 15-minute warning before insisting they start on a chore, since no one, including adults, likes to be interrupted in the middle of a fun activity to go clean their rooms. If their clothes are all over the floor of their room, just state what you want: "Your clothes go in your bureau. Thanks!" Avoid lectures about how much the clothes cost, how they wind up in the laundry when they leave them on the floor, how there are poor children all over the world who don’t have clothes…Don’t let the kids wear you down. If they give you 19 reasons why they shouldn’t make their beds and you cave on the 20th reason, they’ll only learn that 20 is the magic number. That’s a lesson you want to avoid at all costs.
And If a miracle happens and your kids volunteer to do something or attend to a chore without being nagged, be sure to acknowledge their good behavior with a specific statement, like "Thanks for listening the first time I asked. That really helps me out." Or "I really appreciated they way you did that without an argument."
Since you have two children relatively close in age, I’m betting that you are also dealing with what I call "the fairness wars." You likely often hear complaints like "Why do I have to do it? I did it yesterday!" Or "David never has to clear the table!" If that’s the case, you might want to implement some sort of chore chart or system that leaves some of the delegating to chance. For example, have them draw straws to see who gets what chore. Or you can try a rotational system, where each task changes hands each week, and everyone does each chore at one point or another.
